bruhhhhhhhhhhhhgGHHH

so far I am kind of dreading this Saturday. so because my sister surprised me with the JL photo op and I wasn't originally gonna go. they have ViP passes and when she tried to get me one, they were sold out. so they have a 9 30am photo op with JDM and therefore will be inside the place before I can even get in. we're gonna have to be separated. they will be in the VIP line and I will be in the general line. allllll alone while theyre inside to do their po. im nervous about that with my anxiety standing alone outside in a different city. probably standing out there for hours too. Doors dont open until 10am. I will be there by 8am. already this is kind of looking shitty. she texts me and says this shit.

we were gonna leave at 5am but I have to document this for future me cuz 4 45 feels worse. ew I have anxiety right now thinking about it.

im gonna be so tired. waking up at 4am and rush to do makeup and then drive to my mom's and then we all leave by 4 45am. I might just do some makeup and the rest in the car cuz idk. I just want to look perfect for my damn pics. its feeling like I wont like my makeup as much if I am doing it in the car but I do not wanna wake up at 3 30am. then I have to stand outside in the line for hours alone. 😔 😟 🙁 😥 😞 

mood: 😬 anxious
music: The Living End - 'Maitland Street"

bf bday outings

on bfs bday we took baby to the park and walked the nature trail and got her a snow cone. 

went out and had fun for boyfriends bday. we went to Wasabi and got the Lobster Monster roll.

then we took a Lyft to the bar and met Paige there. I was feeling kind of down at this point for some reason. waiting on the Lyft I felt so depressed and dreading going out. I felt this way last time we had a night out. I just missed my baby and didnt wanna go out and be around people. but once I got there and had a few drinks I felt better obviously. some guy came up to me and tried to hit on me and I just pointed at my bf lol. he then goes over to bf and shakes his hand? guys are so dorky. the bar has also turned into the PSL crowd. so it feels hella trashy now there. like its always been a dive bar but its become worse. music is awful... autotuned rap and depressing country music. for some reason someone played the iCarly theme song?  I kept trying to fast pass songs but half the stuff I searched for wasn't available on touch tunes. so i went ahead and played the usual stuff I do like Pierce The Veil and The Sleeping. weird they have The Sleeping but not Hail The Sun or LS Dunes.  we ended up ditching that bar and we went to Boardwalk which I use to despise going to cuz its so slow and boring there. but I actually loved it. way more chill and Markbob was working so I was happy to see him. ended up being so drunk and going on and on about Pierce The Veil to some bumpkin looking guys trying to play gay music. I was like YOU DONT KNOW THEM. i was so drunk. we ended up lea ing at 2am and came back microdosed  the mushrooms and watched The Wave. we had a long conversation about Justin Long. we were joking around how I should ask him why he doesn't follow this other character we like it the movie on IG. like he follows Justin but Justin doesn't follow him back. joking about making drama out of it at the convention. we didnt go to bed til 4am and had to get up at 9am. went to breakfast at Jans Place and got baby girl a gift from the gift shop of that restaurant. 

when we left some old lady pulled in and literally had a huge palm frond dragging behind her car and she some how didn't notice it. 

went back to pick her up from my mom's and my mom told me how well she did. passed out at 11pm and woke up at 9am. we took her to the park but I was feeling sooo tired and warn out. didnt get much sleep for 2 days and it takes a toll on me now that im an old bitch. luckily she slept all night so I was able to sleep all night too without interupted sleep. I still need another night of good sleep to recover.

mood: 😌 relaxed
music: Little Einsteins on tv

WHAT

sister just texted me the Scaradise photo op schedule. my mom and sister's photo op is at 9;30am in Tampa. 🫠 so we have to leave and be on our way at 5am it's about 3 hours to Tampa. I have to be up at 4am and get dolled up for only an hour. I'm gonna be so fuckin' tired. how am I gonna survive this? I wanna be on my A game for my picture with Justin. at least it ends at 7pm instead of 9/10pm like I initially thought. I guess ill just stay here and get ready quietly in the bathroom. then have my mom and sister pick me up to head up to Tampa. of course bf is bitching about it cuz he has to watch the baby all day and a lot of the night. big baby as always. i hope sophia will be good without me. thats what I am worried over. I hope she's gonna be okay waking up to me not being there. i am gonna talk about it all week beforehand so she's aware. 

still no clue what I wanna wear?? how am I gonna do my makeup?? 

mood: 😓 nervous
music: Idlehands - "El Shakes"

plans

so schedule for me; hair appt in Friday. then the next day (Saturday), we are going out for bfs birthday, while my mom watches baby girl over night. we couldn't seal a deal with the hotel cuz the one we wanted which had a beach view, did not accept afterpay. so fuck it, getting some shroom bars and gonna trip and chill at the house. kinda lame, but bf had a good point that since we are gonna be taking magic mushrooms for the first time in YEARS we dont wanna have a bad trip. we want to be home where its comfortable. I am nervous to take them cuz I haven't since before I got pregnant. throw back to our psychedelic days. so I am gonna take it slow for sure. would have been so dope to see the moon, stars & waves while on them but its fine. 

then I have my psych appt on the 3rd of Oct and I am gonna tell her that I just want to go back on Abilify. I am gonna ask about maybe bumping my adderall up to 20 mg. I told her 10s were good for me before but I feel like they just dont work as long with just 10s. 

then we're going to the convention where... i am gonna.... meet Justin Long *squeal*. so I saw this TikTok video yesterday of some girl saying she met Justin at some bar she was at and he came over to where she was sitting with some other celeb. she said she made some comment to him and he just looked at her like ~why you talking to me~. she was saying he was polite but made her feel like shit. I dont know him in person obvi. but I just cant see him being like that. unless what she said bothered him. I didnt quite understand the story she told so idk. but plz Justin dont be mean to me I love you. so I have been thinking about what I wanna say to him. 😬😵‍💫 and i am gonna be my usual stoops self and be like "guess what my fav movie is that you've done" and make him guess, cuz he will not guess it. THE WAVE i will say. I will tell him my bf wanted to come too but had to watch the baby and that we both love that movie. it was life changing for me. if I am brave enough and have some time with him I will ask him to shout him out in a video lmao. I Def want to ask Emile Hirsch to shout him out in a video cuz he absolutely loves him and that movie Into The Wild. so I am gonna do that for him. 

then the very next day is my moms birthday. also my physical check up with a new Dr. 

busy bee 

then The Faint in November 

🎵 now playing: Mook - "Malmo"

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Hail The Sun show

went to the show last night. was fucking lit. they had like 3 bands opening instead of the normal 1 or 2. so tbh im an old ass bitch cuz by time they were coming on I was already so done and tired of standing. like my back hurt sooo bad. when we first got there we tried to get merch. the fucking merch line... youre not ready. was from one side of the house of blues, to the other side, wrapped around. so we said fuck it, well grab a drink and see the opening band for a bit then come back. we came back in the middle of their set and it was STILL the same. so we wait anyway and after 45 mins of waiting in line, the tour shirt was only left in XL 😔  then when I got to the table, it was gone. 😭  so i only had like 2 options left. so when i go to see the faint in November I am getting my shirt right away. but this merch line was insane. be ause apparently they sold the show out. I dont think I've ever been to a show at HOB that sold out. my sister said Pierce The Veil did. but I think its rare. I was rightly offended by the fact they didnt play Black Serotonin. I waiteddddd 

so we got back at 1 15am and I had to sneak in to not wake baby. she woke up so many times last night. so I have been on 3 hours of sleep.

finally its bed time and I hope to god she sleeps thru the night.

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stopped taking the medicine. I just want to go on what I was on previously for bipolar and ocd. dont wanna risk having any manic episodes or anything strange happen. 

going to see Hail The Sun tomorrow night. I hate when I dont feel like going to things. when you see a band coming around and you get tix but when the time comes youre lazy af and dont feel like doing all'at. but once I am there I have fun. happens almost every time I have an event to go to. I am PMSing so I am bloated and feel blah. can't stop eating bad shit. so i guess ill wear something flowy 🙃 

arguing with bf over his birthday weekend because he doesn't want to book a hotel on the beach anymore. we were going to use afterpay to book it but hes all worried it won't work and he'll be charged the full price of the room. I tried explaining over and over how it works, how afterpay works and to obviously not worry about money because youre gradually paying over time. bitch won't get one now. I even told him that this is a one time chance to do this. his bday plans fell thru with the Polynesian place so why not get a hotel locally on the beach. my mom's watching our baby over night. its your fuckin chance bro. whyyyy??? Paige bought him 2 mushroom chocolate bars and he rather sit around our bedroom instead of going to a hotel on the beach to trip. so gay. boring. we argued over it cuz he wasn't listening to me. so im like ok whatever then dont. im not gonna beg you to. just thought it'd be way cooler to be able to walk on the beach and trip watching the waves and stuff. now his excuse is itll be raining the whole time. ugh like FORGET it bro. lame old man who is almost 50.

so I have a hair appt the day before we go out for his birthday. then I have to save money for my psychiatry appt which is 185 😫  then the day after is me meeting Justin Long 😵‍💫 then I have to save money for new tires. 

what the fuck is going on. 4 Spanish homies just walked right past my car. now an old lady just parked next to me when there is an entire parking lot to park in. I am also in an odd space. why is she RIGHT HERE?!?!?  now the homies are coming back and walking right by my car again. im outa here. the fuhK.

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new meds

these new meds my psych put me on is an antidepressant for major depressive disorder & anxiety. now i didnt go into detail about my past diagnosis on being bipolar with rapid cycling. i basically wanted a reevaluation even though i am more than likely as such. so i got kinda worried about taking this Pristiq cuz it says it can trigger mania/hypomania. i am gonna give it a try and if my family notices anything off, i will no longer take it & instead i will go back on that antipsychotic i was on for bipolar. i remember when i was on it, it helped me but due to past experiences with shit like Lithium, it made my hair fall out a lot. so i got paranoid the Abilify was doing that, even though i was never 100% on that. nothing like losing weight & having my hair shed more than ever. still dealing with that unfortunately & have lost half the density, so what the hell. if this one doesnt work out, ill go back on the good ole Abilify.

Hail The Sun show is coming up & then bfs bday. he wants to go to this place in Fort Lauderdale that does fire dancing shows while you eat. Polynesian i think. we will be sleeping there over night. then i have another psych appt thennnn Justin Long~@*!~ periodically i get anxious when i think about it. nervous af

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