i have a feral child ; 2nd eye appt

daughters eye appt was HELL. she was so bad there. first we get there and she's just silly. they have her put 3D glasses on and she put them on upside down.  she also turned off the nurses computer. then it was time to take pics of her eyes. I had to hold her, hold her arms down, force her head in a thing and hold open her eyes while she screamed her head off and flailed. this took many people. I felt so bad for the nurse. she was winded after the appt. we all were. then she was being a jerk and threw toys on the floor in a fit,  being loud in front of the other patients waiting. she was just being mean and bratty. the eye drops were a bitch. then she rubbed her eyes too much so she has to have them put in again. meltdown city. after it was time to try and take pics. the nurse gave her a lollipop which she then threw on the ground across the hallway and pouted on the floor crying. she refused to go back in any waiting rooms and stood in hallways crying and pouting. nurse gave her a tissue she threw on ground. in the second waiting room, i had to lock the door cuz she would have run out. then had to force her again for eye pics. they were only successful with 1 eye Pic. then the dr came in and did his thing while she was kicking and screaming.  i was holding her tight,  hands down in my lap. awful.  found out too she needs to wear glasses due to her astigmatism getting worse after her last check up. he said they can fix on their own but its gotten a lot worse. recommended for now it's best to try and get her to wear glasses. wrote her a script and then that was it. she had a meltdown and I had to carry her kicking and screaming. threw her in car and shut door fast. she's like a feral psychotic animal during meltdowns. I sat there and had a mini anxiety attack. I wasn't able to breathe. I was crying. it was hell of a lot. then she throws my open water bottle in the front seat and it spilled all over us and the car. GOD.  theyre gonna hate to see her coming in again in 6 months to a year. how am I gonna get her ass to wear glasses?!? like... she wont keep sunglasses on even. I'm so drained mentally and physically from her today. then she spilled water all over the grocery store. just... im done for the day.

mood: 😮‍💨 drained
music: King Of The Hill

finally did it

finally wore my Harley jester hat and put her  makeup on. I have always wanted to try it. 

mood: 😫 tired
music: toddler music

halloween makeup try #1

mood: 😫 tired
music: The Wonder Years - "Don't Let Me Cave In"

fixed partially

Car is fixed, minus the belts and oil. but step by step. the main issue is fixed. I test drive it and my tire pressure light came on and I already know I need 2 new tires.  it was only 100 bucks for the part and 60 for them to change it out. so, nice 👌 so i need to adterpay some tires soon and get Z or the guy to do my oil. depending how much i have to spend to get the belts changed. hoping to have enough for my appt.

mood: 😒 irritable
music: --

dont watch Buddy

don't watch Buddy on 🍄

anyone coming across my blog. dont watch Buddy on 🍄.  its traumatizing.  I watched it sober and am like this is great. but when you watch it while psychedelically altered... it is hella dark. like bad. the kids are terrified in it and I have just got done crying and telling bf how awful it is to witness lol. like I laugh but no it was too much.  when you are a mother and you are witnessing these children be stuck and scared and basically abducted by this big, orange unicorn which resembles (at least to me) a predator. a narcissistic cult leader wannabe. using kids to take and force them to be his idk.... someone to praise him. he hugs people tight and craves them to tell him they love him. its horrific. reminds me of that weird family I follow. Buddy is that father of the family I gossip about. evil. straight up evil. I know I am on 2 small caps but fuck. anything bad involving children i can't watch anymore without feeling this way. after having a baby yourself its just way too much.

so bf and i had deep conversations after and I just let out all of my trauma again. I sobbed many times tonight. I needed this. I love bf so much for being here for me and talking to me. he is a deep person himself so he understands more than anyone. i told him im sorry for feeling negative about him lately instead of thinking about good. I know he does everything for me and sophia. hed die for us. he just thanked me for being real with him tonight. he said if I ever needed to talk to him I can always talk to him about anything ❤️  I think im done with psychs fir a while but it was a good reset button.

mood:  😢 emotional
music: --

mazda

took my car to Mazda dealership to do the diagnostic scan. full scan on my car was 256 fucking dollars 💸  but we found out that i need to replace "Canister Purge Solenoid". ya know? it was probably that this whole time but the few other things I replaced helped but didnt fix it. so tomorrow I am dropping it off to the mechanic we go too. they were trying to charge us 600.00 total at the dealership to fix this. like no 🤚🏻 so I need our mechanic to deal with that and then i need him to change those belts. plus an oil change. still flip flopping between saving money and having Z do my oil change or just let the mechanic do it cuz I'd have to wait til who knows when.

we took Sophia to the pumpkin patch. she had so much fun but we weren't able to get a family photo cuz she would just take off or play around. we're gonna try a different patch next Friday. maybe can get family pic then.

so omfg my moms still dealing with these HOA people at her apartment complex about cars. my mom has gotten it registered multiple times. handed this shit in person and they are still complaining saying we have multiple cars when you're only allowed 2. so this bitch walked up to my Scion I gave my mom and put another fuck ass sticker warning about it getting towed. so my sister happened to be outside at this time and she was like "is there an issue?" the lady was saying how only 2 cars are allowed to live in the complex parking lot. my sister was like there IS only 2. this Scion is also registered. so my old Scion and my moms Pilot is ones registered to stay. mine only is there 4 days out of the week from 10:30am - 7 pm the lasted usually. my sister comes over sometimes and bfs car is sometimes there briefly. so my sister was fighting this back to this bitch. the lady then says how it wasn't done right and all this other made up bs. my mom has handled and registered the Scion multiple times and even copied proof to the landlord. the landlord btw is also pissed off at these people. so idk what to do. that place just sucks. my mom recently renewed her lease so she can find time to move out. the plan is for her, my brother, Zack and sister to all chip in for rent to live in a 4 bedroom house. my mom starts her new job the 26th so shell be making $ again to do so. God.

yesterday I used bfs car and took babygirl to nap. I came up to the railroad tracks, the bars were down but no train. so they went back up. the old man across the tracks was confused too and looked both ways first then gave me a thumbs up saying we're good to cross. I thought that was cute 

mood: 😎 chill
music: AFI - "This Celluloid Dream"

preparing for the faint

you like how I have a car that needs fixing aka hundreds of skrilla to fix. but im out here buying clothes/shoes. I bought a leather jacket and big platform goth boots. priorities right? but I am using Klarna. still i gotta stop. I already received the Freaky Nikki dress from Obsession. so all this of for The Faint show Nov 15. purple Obsession dress, leather jacket if its cool out and big platform goth boots. I want these ripped tights but the fuck. 10.00 for ripped skimpy pieces of clothing. get real. might have to buy them anyway 😒

my baby just woke up crying to herself for like 10 mins. wouldn't let me help her, touch her, talk to her... nothing. so I waited. then she cries telling me she wants her animals in her doll house. so I put them in her dollhouse. then she wants then out. then she crying wanting them in cages now!!! so I do it. finally I get he to lay down after a 20 min night terror perhaps. idk it was odd.

I also made a mask of my face. its for Halloween 

mood: 😄 floaty
music: L.S Dunes - "Holograms"

what else... don't answer that universe

so its been a week almost 2 since my car has been acting up again. I'm over at 101,978 miles now & shit needs replaced. so my car is basically doing what it did before. revving the RPM thing in park and jerking when hitting the gas pedal after breaking. engine lights on too now. so we took it to the mechanic and he said because he can't get an accurate read on it he doesn't wanna just guess and say it's 1 thing and it not be and we wasted our money and time. so he said to go to the Mazda dealership for them to scan it cuz they have those expensive computers to read the shit. but unfortunately that shit is gonna cost me between 150 - 250$ to scan. such a rip!!  then I have to take it back to the mechanic and buy the parts and then have him replace the parts. so prob expensive and then Oct 30 I have another psych appt thats 185.00. like... I can't win. when it rains it pours, I guess.

so I have a Mazda appt at 10:30am on Friday. I pray and fingers 🤞🏻  that its not something hella costly. cuz I cant. buttt it probably will be costly. mechanic  told us that it'll be about 220-270$ to change out those belts that I already bought a while ago to be replaced. says it depends how hard it is to do. I remember Zack changing my moms belts (different ones tho) and they were a mega bitch to change. apparently it can be a hassle. I know shit all about cars.

baby girl hasn't had a nap all week and its totally showing. shes aggressive and mean. her nightly routine is fucked right now and now shes sick with a cold. she needs naps they are so important for her. but I have to share a car while mine is on hiatus so this fucking sucks.

mood: 😠 frustrated
music: Circa Survive - "Never Tell a Soul"

nice weekend ^_^

had a great ass day with baby girl and bf. baby was so good all day. she has started getting better about getting in the carseat. (YES!) still lollygags here and there but it's so much better. we dropped her off at my mom's for like an hour and went back to Once Upon a Child to exchange 2 old strollers for store credit. so I got her these cute pink boots that she is obsessed with now. bf also bought me new fuzzy black boots to add to my black boots obsession. so a few dresses and a Cat in the Hat costume lol. which she tried on for like a second and complain

ed and took it off. we took a walk around the neighborhood and saw some Halloween decoraed houses. she went to bed at 9 and I had a Mike's Hard lemonade. funny enough that is one of the first ever beginners alcoholic drinks I ever had. I was like 16 and I would drink those. theyre so good wtf. then we ate some of that mushroom bar that Paige ordered for bf for his birthday and they arrived too late so we didnt have the bars for his bday so we saved those

didnt want to take 2 piece because I have to be with it obviously. so 1 was perfect. I forget how much i hate the beginning of psychedelics feeling cuz I get anxiety. almost like my insides are overstimulated and I feel anxious and boxed in. it always happens at first then after that subsides I see everything so much more vivid and detailed. also when you're on shrooms I notice i look so good. like a perfect anime character. it makes me feel so good looking lmao 

mood: 💤 tired
music: --

ABILIFLU

new medication, well, Abilify which i was taking 10mg a couple of years ago made me tired sure. but taking the 5mg this week omg. they call that shit AbiliFLU. no joke. I felt like I was dying for 2 days. sooo tired i crashed on my moms couch a lot of the day cuz i was so tired man. but day 3 I am okay. i hope this helps me. 

not us already planning our next Scaradise con.  if someone good is going again, I am gonna figure it out. figure it out for us all to go or go separately different days since sophia is with us. 

sent Frank Whaley a messages lmao. hope he sees it and replies. 

halloween I will be wearing a 666 cheer outfit I wore a few years ago. but I plan on getting an ugly mask for it too lol. bfs mom also hates Halloween (what doesn't that cow hate.) so bf told her that all the decorations are coming out and shes like "you know that's devil stuff?" omfg. stfu fake ass hoe. you told my mom one day you do not believe in God. you cant believe in the Devil without God. they go hand in hand you weirdo. so i am gonna wear my 666 devil cheer costume add spme blood and an ugly face mask. I want baby girl to do my idea. a cat fish. so cat ears, mermaid outfit and i want to  decorate her wagon to look like water like she's sitting in water lol. but she likes to switch it up and complain about it so she might not let me do it. I think bf is going as the grabber again cuz we are being lazy about our costumes since the main focus is on our daughter. 

I hate conflict in messages cuz I am too sensitive. so the weird family i follow i did some detective work. I looked up their address and then put the address in Google followed by "is this a 3 bedroom apartment?" it said it is not but it is a 1 bedroom. these freakazoids lie and tell everyone its a 3 bedroom and that the daughter has her own room. everyone thinks thats a lie and that its a 2 bedroom. as in the siblings share a room and the parents share one some even think the dad and daughter share a room and they kick the mom to the curb in the room with the son. but i dont think so. so I got DOWN VOTED. bitch. down voted for my findings and theories with people arguing that it is a 2 bedroom and that the dad and daughter share a room. as weird as they are i dont think that. the daughter may go on the dad's room for whatever weird shit they do but there is no way that mom can fit on that tiny cot. sorry but they are so dumb. they are sharing a 1 bedroom apartment and everything lines up perfect. the site shows the layout if the apartment and all I had to do was line up things. like window placements. its obvious that it is a 1 bedroom and theyre passing it off at a 3. they are using a living room as a second room. its not that far fetched. I got so upset by the down votes lmaooo

mood: 😴 bored
music: jazz

no stop right now

it happened.

my sister said we look like a couple lol some guy working a booth wanted to see too so we showed him and he said its a great photo. ☺️

this is whats gonna happen

no one knows this obv except my family and now my bf after last couple days, that I like the actor Frank Whaley. no one i know knows who that is except my mom and bf. funny piece of trivia is that when I was ever at my grandmother Mum's house i would often watch her movie channels. 1 in particular is called Retroactive. 1997.

I loved this movie and I was watching it as a minor. to me i remember feeling so cool and badass that I watched this in my own time cuz its R rated. I loved it tho. so I had a crush on Frank Whaley. I also saw him in the movie Career Opportunities or something. then forward in time and he was in Vacancy. now today's time, I find he is going to be at the convention. SO what am I gonna say to him? I am gonna say "youre gonna be surprised by this but I have to tell you I love the movie Retroactive that you were in in the late 90s." hell more than likely be shocked that someone like me watched that back in my day, let alone KNOW about it. my momtold us to watch Swimming with Sharks movie with Frank Whaley and Kevin Spacey. finished it tonight. Great movie of course. 

same thing I want to do with Justin Long if I get a chance to talk to him at his table. ask him to guess my fave movie he stars in. he wont guess it. 

BOOM

this life changing film. i want to tell him how much this movie means to my bf and I. we watched it very frequently. its a masterpiece in our eyes. the moral of the story, the actors, the trippy effects. good meaning, good movie, hands down my top favorite if not the very first #1 fave.

Anyway I sm trying to not let my anxiety get to me and just deal with it and have a blast at this thing. I have decided I will be brave and say exactly what I want to say. its slim to no chance I will ever have this opportunity again. 

mood:  😴 tired
music: Kasabian - "You're in Love with a Psycho"