🖤

In the best kind of way

make your move

what's your move?

I've entered your veins 

and I'm carving my way through your thoughts 

planning on seeing Hail The Sun in Sept. I know bf wants to go see the Get Up Kids but I must see HTS. so according to my sister, her bf loves them so it gives me more of a chance to go see them.

told my sister if she ever sees Circa Survive or L.S Dunes touring before I notice, just get us tix. Anthony Green is gonna be in Fort Lauderdale at The Culture Room. I feel like i must go to that in Aug. 

I follow and will listen to anything that Anthony does. his music means so much to me. I just sat in my car yesterday while my daughter napped and cried to myself listening to Circa and L.S.D dammit. he is such an amazing song writer. such a raw, real emotional person. I love that. I cant believe i saw them on 2004 when they first were a band and weren't big yet. I remember loving it and trying to download their shit on Limewire 😭  i need to make a video on all of my concert tickets. I saw a girl do that and I need to do mine too I told her in the comments. she said she posted those cuz the emo and post hard-core scene is big on tiktok and said she has metal band tickets. i am not personally a big fan of metal but I obviously love post hard-core and emo. I have loved allll my life. ill be 80 and listening to the same shit. 

And in my head

You're like a song that I could never identify

And all along you play

In continuous repeat

You're like a problem I could never rectify

i need help (again)

not doing well mentally and the phase my daughter is in is just amplifying my stress. last night was awful. she wouldn't shower and she needed it badly cuz she gets so dirty at the park on the weekends. so I was panicked cuz she wouldn't get in the shower and I didnt know what to do. I lost it and was mean. I feel shitty every time I yell at her too. I said mean things. this isn't like me. luckily she was screaming her head off and didn't hear me. I would never say such a thing to her. I love her with my whole being and she's my life. I just cant handle this. what do I do? I dont want any medications that I've been on. I just get sooo overstimulated and stressed out I lose it. last night after a horrible fucking evening I was just tired. I came back to the house and was super rude to bf. he got offended and I am like dude "im just. so. tired." I cried a bit and told him what happened and I said I needed to be the fuck alone. so I went to lay down in her room to have a moment.  I never have alone time to myself unless she's napping or asleep at night. even then I am not alone. 

so i started to get angry again when she wouldn't listen or go to bed. she was so over tired and everything but just wouldn't. I had to get up and down multiple times to do this, do that... its her procrastinating to not go to bed. when she was fucking around in our bedroom while I was in her room alone, I slammed my hands on her couch in rage. I ended up yelling fuck so loud. then people to top it off were lighting off fireworks.  bf was pissed and went outside to yell at them but they had stopped. so I had a bad night and i got emotional and just told bf I can't do this. I literally almost just took my keys and drove away. I didnt cuz i didnt want babygirl to cry for me and worry. so I just stayed and ended up having another anxiety attack. 

so i have been getting anxiety attacks lately again. I hadn't had one of those on YEaaars. so I took a quarter of one of his klonopins and an edible. I felt calmer and relaxed. she actually slept all night, woke up at 6am and I went in her room with her and she fell right back asleep so I finally got some hard sleep. but I am not okay 😭 really. I have so much stress all of the time. between living in this situation with his fuck ass mom, miserable in my living situation cuz of her. my car causes me stress and my kid is just bad right now. its constant stress and I think the anxiety attacks are me just so overloaded. 

so im going to make some appts today. going to get some blood work done and get EVERYTHING checked. I am also gonna talk to an online Dr about my problem with overstimulatedess causing me to rage. my anxiety and ocd over everything. my ocd or whatever it is is just getting worse daily. phobias and such. I have anxiety badly right now and I just cant stop it. so i am seeking help (again). I just want to be happy and less agitated over everything. 

literally my mind is always worrying. so like when someone talks to me all I hear in my mind is "what am I gonna do later? well my car is bothering me with those spots. is my daughter ok? how am I gonna get her to bed on time?" then I am doing tasks, wait I have to clean this. I need clorox wipes. find the clorox wipes and find somethig else that needs cleaned up. so i clean thar then I get distracting by needing to vacuum so I dont finish what I was doing before cuz I have to do this new thing. my mind is constantly stressed and worrying. 

I just try to be a fucking good mom and I feel like i am failing. I beat myself up so much like I deserve it. everyone around me tells me I am just human and I do what I can under stress but its not what I feel inside. I feel like a horrible mom. 😞  so hopefully I can get help cuz I obviously can't do it alone.

baby girls first dentist appt

it went sooooo well. she loved the dentist (believe it or not). they loved her as well. they went on and on about how cute she was and made the dental hygienist laugh so much. baby girl was twirling and dancing around by the dentist chair and clapping. they cleaned her teeth and everything. gave her tooth brush and stickers and she got to pick out a treasure from the treasure box. she let her choose items and laughed when she chose bracelets cuz my girl loves bracelets and necklaces. she wears like 15 on one arm and like tons of beaded necklaces. so they laughed when she chose more to add on. then when we were setting up her appt she followed them around the office she went back with them cuz she had a good time. when it was time to go baby girl told me "no fanx" she wanted to stay. soooo NO cavities which makes me feel so happy. we brush her teeth twice a day as best as possible its hard with a 2 year old and the amount of candy I let her have 😬  she had no cavities:D

here's what it looks like to wake up with not great sleep cuz your kid wakes up multiple times asking for random shit. 

she slept most of the night but woke up at 5 30 to potty and to change nightgowns 😒 so 3 times total from 5 30am to 8 30am she got up. zzz.

she was doing so damn well too like going to bed early like 8 30. now its 9 30. then after I tell her ill leave the room if she doesnt go to bed i let her cry for a min then i come on and say "okkkk do u wanna go to sleep now?" then she falls asleep fast after the threat.

sad most of the shows we watch are over for the season. 

From = season ended

Devil In Silver = ended

Widows Bay = season ended

currently on:

Cape Fear (near endeing)

and we're now just rewatching The Righteous Gemstones before we start Dexter. i have never watched Dexter but my sister and mom love it. I am also told that David Dastmalchian, my goth king, plays a killer in it (LOVE him) and Dan Steven's is gonna be a new killer in new season so uhhhhhh I have to watch i am in love with that man. faaaahkk. so we'll be watching Dexter soon after The Righteous Gemstones (for the 3rd time) 

watched Obsession again cuz

Obsession verdict:

 I love it 

idk if it was supposed to make me laugh but it definitely did. I wouldn't say it was super fucked up like people were saying but then again I've seen a lot of fucked up movies. this was definitely a good story and good acting. my bf posted about it and said it was like being in a relationship with me. past me. when I was going through it and going through a lot of mental issues with bipolar mania it definitely reminded me of myself in a lot of ways. the clinging to bfs and getting upset anytime they did anything without me, the freaking out and up and down moods. the psychotic meltdowns... her frowny face scene cracked me up tho. I think we are gonna rewatch it this weekend. it deserved the imdb rating it received for sure. 

I was scrolling around on my fyp and some girl showed up and I was literally wearing the same shirt as she was lmao so I commented and then I realized our hair was super similar. except she had a turquoise shade in hers. I won't ever use blue  again tho 💔 

^_______^

so toddler life is still kicking my ass. the other night she woke up and man i was beat. I was so tired and felt unwell... so not great we didnt get to see fireworks. I just laid around. so she woke up and just stood in the bathroom and wouldn't let me get her back to bed. I gave up and just sat on her couch and waited til she came in. I checked on her a couple of times and startled her when I did. I dont think she was all the way awake tbh. so finally after like 30 or so mins she came back in her room and laid on the floor. she passed out fast. idk what it is but she does this every night. she cries and gets up and does stuff like that or she does get back in bed. but for me it causes me to not get good sleep cuz once I am awakened I am stuck awake for a while. 

she wakes up and does and says new things every morning. she started using me and i instead of her name or babygirl. so instead of "babygirl wants a treat" its "I want a treat". she also keeps saying meow meow after stuff. "i want that meow meow". lol also she told the cat yesterday not to sniff her paint brushes "no cat that's dangerous". its sooooo funny and cuuuute. im so happy I had a girl cuz girls are so fun. she pretends to put makeup on and says she's getting her hair done 😭 😭 which i have an appt in 2 weeks but the week before that she has to go to her first dentist appt ever. I hope to god it goes well and she likes her dentist. its the same dentist my sister went to when she was a kid. so 🤞🏻

so i need to figure out how i can print out all of my blog posts. I want to do this gradually and make a book out of them. to give to baby girl when she is older and can read all about me and my life... shit that I've been thru. I want her to read. some of of it will need to x out cuz there are some thing that I dont think she ever needs to know but the majority of it i think she can read when she's older. i documented her entire time she was chillin' in my stomach. 😭 makes me emotional to think about. but I think that would be something special when shes way older to read. 

so tired

lack of sleep is killing me. been rough nights with baby girl and trying to get her to bed. recently she finally started to forget about her pacifier. which needs to stop right now before she turns 3. so randomly she had a set back and asked for it. i stood firm and didn't cave in to her screaming in my face and pulling on me. she gave up and laid down for sleeping. she tried asking for it this evening but we said no and changed subjects. she finally went to bed early tonight hell yea. i am so fucking tired tho from her wakings in the middle of the night in which one of the nights she screamed her head off at 3am for more pizza. ??? so had to handle that. last night i had a nightmare myself. so awful i was crying in my sleep and when i woke up i was sobbing. i had a nightmare that baby girl was in daycare and i went to pick her up but they said she wasn't there. so i had no idea where she was and i figured someone took her. the worst thing to happen to a parent, especially a mother is her child being taken or missing period. i can't imagine what those people go through and i feel incredibly heart broken for them. it's gotta be the worst thing in the entire world. i had to tell myself when i woke up she was here and she is safe to stop myself from breaking down from that shit. weirdly my sister had a nightmare where she cried too. she said hers was about my mom killing herself. awful the fuck. i think it's stress and anxieties.

when we were coming back from my mom's yesterday some lady in another cx5 was next to me at a stop light and she urged me to move forward. she waved me forward and at first i am thinking "uh what now. did i leave something on my car. what's wrong now?" then i thought she was gonna compliment my stickers. so i inch up and roll my window down and she says "her little foot just made my day". baby girl had her foot out the window apparently (even tho i dont like her doing that) i thought that was nice haha.

one of my fav bands The Sleeping was selling old merch they found recently in one of the band members houses stored away and they were selling them off on their site. so i jumped the fuck on that and got one. crazy how they do their own merch instead of hiring. so i got a hand written thank you note for supporting blah blah but hell yea it's so fucking exciting cuz i loooove them. i was lucky enough to see them last yr since their re-banding (?) they said to take pics to post on IG wearing the merch and i am going to do that this weekend to get reposted hehe 

took her to the park today and she was holding hands with other little girls and walking around the park playing. it was sooooo cute i wanted to take pics but i felt weird so i didn't. didn't wanna take pics of other peoples kids. so she tried hugging some girls but they didnt like that and they went away from her and baby girl followed them lol she doesn't understand. i need to teach her boundaries tho. you do not touch people randomly without consent etc. she was so cute tho hugging new friends she was making at the park. 😭she's just growing up and growing up fast it's amazing to watch. i always say this but she literally changed my life. i had no purpose, no goals in life. i was super immature emotionally but after her, i have a purpose and a reason for being here. i am not the same person i was before her. it's insane how having a baby... birthing her, going thru that entire process will change you mentally (and physically unfortunately) but none of that matter as much as the life that she's brought me. they say you dont have kids when you want them, you have them when you need them on your life. i needed her. now she needs me and i am gonna do my absolute best to give her a happy, loving life. okay i am getting emotional again. i am on my period, shut up. 

gonna have a drink and watch Obsession. everyone's saying its fucked up and really good movie. I wanna see for myself cuz I've seen a lot of fucked up movies. I am curious about this one.