so tired

lack of sleep is killing me. been rough nights with baby girl and trying to get her to bed. recently she finally started to forget about her pacifier. which needs to stop right now before she turns 3. so randomly she had a set back and asked for it. i stood firm and didn't cave in to her screaming in my face and pulling on me. she gave up and laid down for sleeping. she tried asking for it this evening but we said no and changed subjects. she finally went to bed early tonight hell yea. i am so fucking tired tho from her wakings in the middle of the night in which one of the nights she screamed her head off at 3am for more pizza. ??? so had to handle that. last night i had a nightmare myself. so awful i was crying in my sleep and when i woke up i was sobbing. i had a nightmare that baby girl was in daycare and i went to pick her up but they said she wasn't there. so i had no idea where she was and i figured someone took her. the worst thing to happen to a parent, especially a mother is her child being taken or missing period. i can't imagine what those people go through and i feel incredibly heart broken for them. it's gotta be the worst thing in the entire world. i had to tell myself when i woke up she was here and she is safe to stop myself from breaking down from that shit. weirdly my sister had a nightmare where she cried too. she said hers was about my mom killing herself. awful the fuck. i think it's stress and anxieties.

when we were coming back from my mom's yesterday some lady in another cx5 was next to me at a stop light and she urged me to move forward. she waved me forward and at first i am thinking "uh what now. did i leave something on my car. what's wrong now?" then i thought she was gonna compliment my stickers. so i inch up and roll my window down and she says "her little foot just made my day". baby girl had her foot out the window apparently (even tho i dont like her doing that) i thought that was nice haha.

one of my fav bands The Sleeping was selling old merch they found recently in one of the band members houses stored away and they were selling them off on their site. so i jumped the fuck on that and got one. crazy how they do their own merch instead of hiring. so i got a hand written thank you note for supporting blah blah but hell yea it's so fucking exciting cuz i loooove them. i was lucky enough to see them last yr since their re-banding (?) they said to take pics to post on IG wearing the merch and i am going to do that this weekend to get reposted hehe 

took her to the park today and she was holding hands with other little girls and walking around the park playing. it was sooooo cute i wanted to take pics but i felt weird so i didn't. didn't wanna take pics of other peoples kids. so she tried hugging some girls but they didnt like that and they went away from her and baby girl followed them lol she doesn't understand. i need to teach her boundaries tho. you do not touch people randomly without consent etc. she was so cute tho hugging new friends she was making at the park. 😭she's just growing up and growing up fast it's amazing to watch. i always say this but she literally changed my life. i had no purpose, no goals in life. i was super immature emotionally but after her, i have a purpose and a reason for being here. i am not the same person i was before her. it's insane how having a baby... birthing her, going thru that entire process will change you mentally (and physically unfortunately) but none of that matter as much as the life that she's brought me. they say you dont have kids when you want them, you have them when you need them on your life. i needed her. now she needs me and i am gonna do my absolute best to give her a happy, loving life. okay i am getting emotional again. i am on my period, shut up. 

gonna have a drink and watch Obsession. everyone's saying its fucked up and really good movie. I wanna see for myself cuz I've seen a lot of fucked up movies. I am curious about this one.