i have a feral child ; 2nd eye appt

daughters eye appt was HELL. she was so bad there. first we get there and she's just silly. they have her put 3D glasses on and she put them on upside down.  she also turned off the nurses computer. then it was time to take pics of her eyes. I had to hold her, hold her arms down, force her head in a thing and hold open her eyes while she screamed her head off and flailed. this took many people. I felt so bad for the nurse. she was winded after the appt. we all were. then she was being a jerk and threw toys on the floor in a fit,  being loud in front of the other patients waiting. she was just being mean and bratty. the eye drops were a bitch. then she rubbed her eyes too much so she has to have them put in again. meltdown city. after it was time to try and take pics. the nurse gave her a lollipop which she then threw on the ground across the hallway and pouted on the floor crying. she refused to go back in any waiting rooms and stood in hallways crying and pouting. nurse gave her a tissue she threw on ground. in the second waiting room, i had to lock the door cuz she would have run out. then had to force her again for eye pics. they were only successful with 1 eye Pic. then the dr came in and did his thing while she was kicking and screaming.  i was holding her tight,  hands down in my lap. awful.  found out too she needs to wear glasses due to her astigmatism getting worse after her last check up. he said they can fix on their own but its gotten a lot worse. recommended for now it's best to try and get her to wear glasses. wrote her a script and then that was it. she had a meltdown and I had to carry her kicking and screaming. threw her in car and shut door fast. she's like a feral psychotic animal during meltdowns. I sat there and had a mini anxiety attack. I wasn't able to breathe. I was crying. it was hell of a lot. then she throws my open water bottle in the front seat and it spilled all over us and the car. GOD.  theyre gonna hate to see her coming in again in 6 months to a year. how am I gonna get her ass to wear glasses?!? like... she wont keep sunglasses on even. I'm so drained mentally and physically from her today. then she spilled water all over the grocery store. just... im done for the day.

mood: 😮‍💨 drained
music: King Of The Hill

finally did it

finally wore my Harley jester hat and put her  makeup on. I have always wanted to try it. 

mood: 😫 tired
music: toddler music

halloween makeup try #1

mood: 😫 tired
music: The Wonder Years - "Don't Let Me Cave In"

fixed partially

Car is fixed, minus the belts and oil. but step by step. the main issue is fixed. I test drive it and my tire pressure light came on and I already know I need 2 new tires.  it was only 100 bucks for the part and 60 for them to change it out. so, nice 👌 so i need to adterpay some tires soon and get Z or the guy to do my oil. depending how much i have to spend to get the belts changed. hoping to have enough for my appt.

mood: 😒 irritable
music: --

dont watch Buddy

don't watch Buddy on 🍄

anyone coming across my blog. dont watch Buddy on 🍄.  its traumatizing.  I watched it sober and am like this is great. but when you watch it while psychedelically altered... it is hella dark. like bad. the kids are terrified in it and I have just got done crying and telling bf how awful it is to witness lol. like I laugh but no it was too much.  when you are a mother and you are witnessing these children be stuck and scared and basically abducted by this big, orange unicorn which resembles (at least to me) a predator. a narcissistic cult leader wannabe. using kids to take and force them to be his idk.... someone to praise him. he hugs people tight and craves them to tell him they love him. its horrific. reminds me of that weird family I follow. Buddy is that father of the family I gossip about. evil. straight up evil. I know I am on 2 small caps but fuck. anything bad involving children i can't watch anymore without feeling this way. after having a baby yourself its just way too much.

so bf and i had deep conversations after and I just let out all of my trauma again. I sobbed many times tonight. I needed this. I love bf so much for being here for me and talking to me. he is a deep person himself so he understands more than anyone. i told him im sorry for feeling negative about him lately instead of thinking about good. I know he does everything for me and sophia. hed die for us. he just thanked me for being real with him tonight. he said if I ever needed to talk to him I can always talk to him about anything ❤️  I think im done with psychs fir a while but it was a good reset button.

mood:  😢 emotional
music: --

mazda

took my car to Mazda dealership to do the diagnostic scan. full scan on my car was 256 fucking dollars 💸  but we found out that i need to replace "Canister Purge Solenoid". ya know? it was probably that this whole time but the few other things I replaced helped but didnt fix it. so tomorrow I am dropping it off to the mechanic we go too. they were trying to charge us 600.00 total at the dealership to fix this. like no 🤚🏻 so I need our mechanic to deal with that and then i need him to change those belts. plus an oil change. still flip flopping between saving money and having Z do my oil change or just let the mechanic do it cuz I'd have to wait til who knows when.

we took Sophia to the pumpkin patch. she had so much fun but we weren't able to get a family photo cuz she would just take off or play around. we're gonna try a different patch next Friday. maybe can get family pic then.

so omfg my moms still dealing with these HOA people at her apartment complex about cars. my mom has gotten it registered multiple times. handed this shit in person and they are still complaining saying we have multiple cars when you're only allowed 2. so this bitch walked up to my Scion I gave my mom and put another fuck ass sticker warning about it getting towed. so my sister happened to be outside at this time and she was like "is there an issue?" the lady was saying how only 2 cars are allowed to live in the complex parking lot. my sister was like there IS only 2. this Scion is also registered. so my old Scion and my moms Pilot is ones registered to stay. mine only is there 4 days out of the week from 10:30am - 7 pm the lasted usually. my sister comes over sometimes and bfs car is sometimes there briefly. so my sister was fighting this back to this bitch. the lady then says how it wasn't done right and all this other made up bs. my mom has handled and registered the Scion multiple times and even copied proof to the landlord. the landlord btw is also pissed off at these people. so idk what to do. that place just sucks. my mom recently renewed her lease so she can find time to move out. the plan is for her, my brother, Zack and sister to all chip in for rent to live in a 4 bedroom house. my mom starts her new job the 26th so shell be making $ again to do so. God.

yesterday I used bfs car and took babygirl to nap. I came up to the railroad tracks, the bars were down but no train. so they went back up. the old man across the tracks was confused too and looked both ways first then gave me a thumbs up saying we're good to cross. I thought that was cute 

mood: 😎 chill
music: AFI - "This Celluloid Dream"

preparing for the faint

you like how I have a car that needs fixing aka hundreds of skrilla to fix. but im out here buying clothes/shoes. I bought a leather jacket and big platform goth boots. priorities right? but I am using Klarna. still i gotta stop. I already received the Freaky Nikki dress from Obsession. so all this of for The Faint show Nov 15. purple Obsession dress, leather jacket if its cool out and big platform goth boots. I want these ripped tights but the fuck. 10.00 for ripped skimpy pieces of clothing. get real. might have to buy them anyway 😒

my baby just woke up crying to herself for like 10 mins. wouldn't let me help her, touch her, talk to her... nothing. so I waited. then she cries telling me she wants her animals in her doll house. so I put them in her dollhouse. then she wants then out. then she crying wanting them in cages now!!! so I do it. finally I get he to lay down after a 20 min night terror perhaps. idk it was odd.

I also made a mask of my face. its for Halloween 

mood: 😄 floaty
music: L.S Dunes - "Holograms"

what else... don't answer that universe

so its been a week almost 2 since my car has been acting up again. I'm over at 101,978 miles now & shit needs replaced. so my car is basically doing what it did before. revving the RPM thing in park and jerking when hitting the gas pedal after breaking. engine lights on too now. so we took it to the mechanic and he said because he can't get an accurate read on it he doesn't wanna just guess and say it's 1 thing and it not be and we wasted our money and time. so he said to go to the Mazda dealership for them to scan it cuz they have those expensive computers to read the shit. but unfortunately that shit is gonna cost me between 150 - 250$ to scan. such a rip!!  then I have to take it back to the mechanic and buy the parts and then have him replace the parts. so prob expensive and then Oct 30 I have another psych appt thats 185.00. like... I can't win. when it rains it pours, I guess.

so I have a Mazda appt at 10:30am on Friday. I pray and fingers 🤞🏻  that its not something hella costly. cuz I cant. buttt it probably will be costly. mechanic  told us that it'll be about 220-270$ to change out those belts that I already bought a while ago to be replaced. says it depends how hard it is to do. I remember Zack changing my moms belts (different ones tho) and they were a mega bitch to change. apparently it can be a hassle. I know shit all about cars.

baby girl hasn't had a nap all week and its totally showing. shes aggressive and mean. her nightly routine is fucked right now and now shes sick with a cold. she needs naps they are so important for her. but I have to share a car while mine is on hiatus so this fucking sucks.

mood: 😠 frustrated
music: Circa Survive - "Never Tell a Soul"

nice weekend ^_^

had a great ass day with baby girl and bf. baby was so good all day. she has started getting better about getting in the carseat. (YES!) still lollygags here and there but it's so much better. we dropped her off at my mom's for like an hour and went back to Once Upon a Child to exchange 2 old strollers for store credit. so I got her these cute pink boots that she is obsessed with now. bf also bought me new fuzzy black boots to add to my black boots obsession. so a few dresses and a Cat in the Hat costume lol. which she tried on for like a second and complain

ed and took it off. we took a walk around the neighborhood and saw some Halloween decoraed houses. she went to bed at 9 and I had a Mike's Hard lemonade. funny enough that is one of the first ever beginners alcoholic drinks I ever had. I was like 16 and I would drink those. theyre so good wtf. then we ate some of that mushroom bar that Paige ordered for bf for his birthday and they arrived too late so we didnt have the bars for his bday so we saved those

didnt want to take 2 piece because I have to be with it obviously. so 1 was perfect. I forget how much i hate the beginning of psychedelics feeling cuz I get anxiety. almost like my insides are overstimulated and I feel anxious and boxed in. it always happens at first then after that subsides I see everything so much more vivid and detailed. also when you're on shrooms I notice i look so good. like a perfect anime character. it makes me feel so good looking lmao 

mood: 💤 tired
music: --

ABILIFLU

new medication, well, Abilify which i was taking 10mg a couple of years ago made me tired sure. but taking the 5mg this week omg. they call that shit AbiliFLU. no joke. I felt like I was dying for 2 days. sooo tired i crashed on my moms couch a lot of the day cuz i was so tired man. but day 3 I am okay. i hope this helps me. 

not us already planning our next Scaradise con.  if someone good is going again, I am gonna figure it out. figure it out for us all to go or go separately different days since sophia is with us. 

sent Frank Whaley a messages lmao. hope he sees it and replies. 

halloween I will be wearing a 666 cheer outfit I wore a few years ago. but I plan on getting an ugly mask for it too lol. bfs mom also hates Halloween (what doesn't that cow hate.) so bf told her that all the decorations are coming out and shes like "you know that's devil stuff?" omfg. stfu fake ass hoe. you told my mom one day you do not believe in God. you cant believe in the Devil without God. they go hand in hand you weirdo. so i am gonna wear my 666 devil cheer costume add spme blood and an ugly face mask. I want baby girl to do my idea. a cat fish. so cat ears, mermaid outfit and i want to  decorate her wagon to look like water like she's sitting in water lol. but she likes to switch it up and complain about it so she might not let me do it. I think bf is going as the grabber again cuz we are being lazy about our costumes since the main focus is on our daughter. 

I hate conflict in messages cuz I am too sensitive. so the weird family i follow i did some detective work. I looked up their address and then put the address in Google followed by "is this a 3 bedroom apartment?" it said it is not but it is a 1 bedroom. these freakazoids lie and tell everyone its a 3 bedroom and that the daughter has her own room. everyone thinks thats a lie and that its a 2 bedroom. as in the siblings share a room and the parents share one some even think the dad and daughter share a room and they kick the mom to the curb in the room with the son. but i dont think so. so I got DOWN VOTED. bitch. down voted for my findings and theories with people arguing that it is a 2 bedroom and that the dad and daughter share a room. as weird as they are i dont think that. the daughter may go on the dad's room for whatever weird shit they do but there is no way that mom can fit on that tiny cot. sorry but they are so dumb. they are sharing a 1 bedroom apartment and everything lines up perfect. the site shows the layout if the apartment and all I had to do was line up things. like window placements. its obvious that it is a 1 bedroom and theyre passing it off at a 3. they are using a living room as a second room. its not that far fetched. I got so upset by the down votes lmaooo

mood: 😴 bored
music: jazz

no stop right now

it happened.

my sister said we look like a couple lol some guy working a booth wanted to see too so we showed him and he said its a great photo. ☺️

this is whats gonna happen

no one knows this obv except my family and now my bf after last couple days, that I like the actor Frank Whaley. no one i know knows who that is except my mom and bf. funny piece of trivia is that when I was ever at my grandmother Mum's house i would often watch her movie channels. 1 in particular is called Retroactive. 1997.

I loved this movie and I was watching it as a minor. to me i remember feeling so cool and badass that I watched this in my own time cuz its R rated. I loved it tho. so I had a crush on Frank Whaley. I also saw him in the movie Career Opportunities or something. then forward in time and he was in Vacancy. now today's time, I find he is going to be at the convention. SO what am I gonna say to him? I am gonna say "youre gonna be surprised by this but I have to tell you I love the movie Retroactive that you were in in the late 90s." hell more than likely be shocked that someone like me watched that back in my day, let alone KNOW about it. my momtold us to watch Swimming with Sharks movie with Frank Whaley and Kevin Spacey. finished it tonight. Great movie of course. 

same thing I want to do with Justin Long if I get a chance to talk to him at his table. ask him to guess my fave movie he stars in. he wont guess it. 

BOOM

this life changing film. i want to tell him how much this movie means to my bf and I. we watched it very frequently. its a masterpiece in our eyes. the moral of the story, the actors, the trippy effects. good meaning, good movie, hands down my top favorite if not the very first #1 fave.

Anyway I sm trying to not let my anxiety get to me and just deal with it and have a blast at this thing. I have decided I will be brave and say exactly what I want to say. its slim to no chance I will ever have this opportunity again. 

mood:  😴 tired
music: Kasabian - "You're in Love with a Psycho"

bruhhhhhhhhhhhhgGHHH

so far I am kind of dreading this Saturday. so because my sister surprised me with the JL photo op and I wasn't originally gonna go. they have ViP passes and when she tried to get me one, they were sold out. so they have a 9 30am photo op with JDM and therefore will be inside the place before I can even get in. we're gonna have to be separated. they will be in the VIP line and I will be in the general line. allllll alone while theyre inside to do their po. im nervous about that with my anxiety standing alone outside in a different city. probably standing out there for hours too. Doors dont open until 10am. I will be there by 8am. already this is kind of looking shitty. she texts me and says this shit.

we were gonna leave at 5am but I have to document this for future me cuz 4 45 feels worse. ew I have anxiety right now thinking about it.

im gonna be so tired. waking up at 4am and rush to do makeup and then drive to my mom's and then we all leave by 4 45am. I might just do some makeup and the rest in the car cuz idk. I just want to look perfect for my damn pics. its feeling like I wont like my makeup as much if I am doing it in the car but I do not wanna wake up at 3 30am. then I have to stand outside in the line for hours alone. 😔 😟 🙁 😥 😞 

mood: 😬 anxious
music: The Living End - 'Maitland Street"

bf bday outings

on bfs bday we took baby to the park and walked the nature trail and got her a snow cone. 

went out and had fun for boyfriends bday. we went to Wasabi and got the Lobster Monster roll.

then we took a Lyft to the bar and met Paige there. I was feeling kind of down at this point for some reason. waiting on the Lyft I felt so depressed and dreading going out. I felt this way last time we had a night out. I just missed my baby and didnt wanna go out and be around people. but once I got there and had a few drinks I felt better obviously. some guy came up to me and tried to hit on me and I just pointed at my bf lol. he then goes over to bf and shakes his hand? guys are so dorky. the bar has also turned into the PSL crowd. so it feels hella trashy now there. like its always been a dive bar but its become worse. music is awful... autotuned rap and depressing country music. for some reason someone played the iCarly theme song?  I kept trying to fast pass songs but half the stuff I searched for wasn't available on touch tunes. so i went ahead and played the usual stuff I do like Pierce The Veil and The Sleeping. weird they have The Sleeping but not Hail The Sun or LS Dunes.  we ended up ditching that bar and we went to Boardwalk which I use to despise going to cuz its so slow and boring there. but I actually loved it. way more chill and Markbob was working so I was happy to see him. ended up being so drunk and going on and on about Pierce The Veil to some bumpkin looking guys trying to play gay music. I was like YOU DONT KNOW THEM. i was so drunk. we ended up lea ing at 2am and came back microdosed  the mushrooms and watched The Wave. we had a long conversation about Justin Long. we were joking around how I should ask him why he doesn't follow this other character we like it the movie on IG. like he follows Justin but Justin doesn't follow him back. joking about making drama out of it at the convention. we didnt go to bed til 4am and had to get up at 9am. went to breakfast at Jans Place and got baby girl a gift from the gift shop of that restaurant. 

when we left some old lady pulled in and literally had a huge palm frond dragging behind her car and she some how didn't notice it. 

went back to pick her up from my mom's and my mom told me how well she did. passed out at 11pm and woke up at 9am. we took her to the park but I was feeling sooo tired and warn out. didnt get much sleep for 2 days and it takes a toll on me now that im an old bitch. luckily she slept all night so I was able to sleep all night too without interupted sleep. I still need another night of good sleep to recover.

mood: 😌 relaxed
music: Little Einsteins on tv

WHAT

sister just texted me the Scaradise photo op schedule. my mom and sister's photo op is at 9;30am in Tampa. 🫠 so we have to leave and be on our way at 5am it's about 3 hours to Tampa. I have to be up at 4am and get dolled up for only an hour. I'm gonna be so fuckin' tired. how am I gonna survive this? I wanna be on my A game for my picture with Justin. at least it ends at 7pm instead of 9/10pm like I initially thought. I guess ill just stay here and get ready quietly in the bathroom. then have my mom and sister pick me up to head up to Tampa. of course bf is bitching about it cuz he has to watch the baby all day and a lot of the night. big baby as always. i hope sophia will be good without me. thats what I am worried over. I hope she's gonna be okay waking up to me not being there. i am gonna talk about it all week beforehand so she's aware. 

still no clue what I wanna wear?? how am I gonna do my makeup?? 

mood: 😓 nervous
music: Idlehands - "El Shakes"

plans

so schedule for me; hair appt in Friday. then the next day (Saturday), we are going out for bfs birthday, while my mom watches baby girl over night. we couldn't seal a deal with the hotel cuz the one we wanted which had a beach view, did not accept afterpay. so fuck it, getting some shroom bars and gonna trip and chill at the house. kinda lame, but bf had a good point that since we are gonna be taking magic mushrooms for the first time in YEARS we dont wanna have a bad trip. we want to be home where its comfortable. I am nervous to take them cuz I haven't since before I got pregnant. throw back to our psychedelic days. so I am gonna take it slow for sure. would have been so dope to see the moon, stars & waves while on them but its fine. 

then I have my psych appt on the 3rd of Oct and I am gonna tell her that I just want to go back on Abilify. I am gonna ask about maybe bumping my adderall up to 20 mg. I told her 10s were good for me before but I feel like they just dont work as long with just 10s. 

then we're going to the convention where... i am gonna.... meet Justin Long *squeal*. so I saw this TikTok video yesterday of some girl saying she met Justin at some bar she was at and he came over to where she was sitting with some other celeb. she said she made some comment to him and he just looked at her like ~why you talking to me~. she was saying he was polite but made her feel like shit. I dont know him in person obvi. but I just cant see him being like that. unless what she said bothered him. I didnt quite understand the story she told so idk. but plz Justin dont be mean to me I love you. so I have been thinking about what I wanna say to him. 😬😵‍💫 and i am gonna be my usual stoops self and be like "guess what my fav movie is that you've done" and make him guess, cuz he will not guess it. THE WAVE i will say. I will tell him my bf wanted to come too but had to watch the baby and that we both love that movie. it was life changing for me. if I am brave enough and have some time with him I will ask him to shout him out in a video lmao. I Def want to ask Emile Hirsch to shout him out in a video cuz he absolutely loves him and that movie Into The Wild. so I am gonna do that for him. 

then the very next day is my moms birthday. also my physical check up with a new Dr. 

busy bee 

then The Faint in November 

🎵 now playing: Mook - "Malmo"

ꨄ︎

Hail The Sun show

went to the show last night. was fucking lit. they had like 3 bands opening instead of the normal 1 or 2. so tbh im an old ass bitch cuz by time they were coming on I was already so done and tired of standing. like my back hurt sooo bad. when we first got there we tried to get merch. the fucking merch line... youre not ready. was from one side of the house of blues, to the other side, wrapped around. so we said fuck it, well grab a drink and see the opening band for a bit then come back. we came back in the middle of their set and it was STILL the same. so we wait anyway and after 45 mins of waiting in line, the tour shirt was only left in XL 😔  then when I got to the table, it was gone. 😭  so i only had like 2 options left. so when i go to see the faint in November I am getting my shirt right away. but this merch line was insane. be ause apparently they sold the show out. I dont think I've ever been to a show at HOB that sold out. my sister said Pierce The Veil did. but I think its rare. I was rightly offended by the fact they didnt play Black Serotonin. I waiteddddd 

so we got back at 1 15am and I had to sneak in to not wake baby. she woke up so many times last night. so I have been on 3 hours of sleep.

finally its bed time and I hope to god she sleeps thru the night.

ꨄ︎

stopped taking the medicine. I just want to go on what I was on previously for bipolar and ocd. dont wanna risk having any manic episodes or anything strange happen. 

going to see Hail The Sun tomorrow night. I hate when I dont feel like going to things. when you see a band coming around and you get tix but when the time comes youre lazy af and dont feel like doing all'at. but once I am there I have fun. happens almost every time I have an event to go to. I am PMSing so I am bloated and feel blah. can't stop eating bad shit. so i guess ill wear something flowy 🙃 

arguing with bf over his birthday weekend because he doesn't want to book a hotel on the beach anymore. we were going to use afterpay to book it but hes all worried it won't work and he'll be charged the full price of the room. I tried explaining over and over how it works, how afterpay works and to obviously not worry about money because youre gradually paying over time. bitch won't get one now. I even told him that this is a one time chance to do this. his bday plans fell thru with the Polynesian place so why not get a hotel locally on the beach. my mom's watching our baby over night. its your fuckin chance bro. whyyyy??? Paige bought him 2 mushroom chocolate bars and he rather sit around our bedroom instead of going to a hotel on the beach to trip. so gay. boring. we argued over it cuz he wasn't listening to me. so im like ok whatever then dont. im not gonna beg you to. just thought it'd be way cooler to be able to walk on the beach and trip watching the waves and stuff. now his excuse is itll be raining the whole time. ugh like FORGET it bro. lame old man who is almost 50.

so I have a hair appt the day before we go out for his birthday. then I have to save money for my psychiatry appt which is 185 😫  then the day after is me meeting Justin Long 😵‍💫 then I have to save money for new tires. 

what the fuck is going on. 4 Spanish homies just walked right past my car. now an old lady just parked next to me when there is an entire parking lot to park in. I am also in an odd space. why is she RIGHT HERE?!?!?  now the homies are coming back and walking right by my car again. im outa here. the fuhK.

ꨄ︎

new meds

these new meds my psych put me on is an antidepressant for major depressive disorder & anxiety. now i didnt go into detail about my past diagnosis on being bipolar with rapid cycling. i basically wanted a reevaluation even though i am more than likely as such. so i got kinda worried about taking this Pristiq cuz it says it can trigger mania/hypomania. i am gonna give it a try and if my family notices anything off, i will no longer take it & instead i will go back on that antipsychotic i was on for bipolar. i remember when i was on it, it helped me but due to past experiences with shit like Lithium, it made my hair fall out a lot. so i got paranoid the Abilify was doing that, even though i was never 100% on that. nothing like losing weight & having my hair shed more than ever. still dealing with that unfortunately & have lost half the density, so what the hell. if this one doesnt work out, ill go back on the good ole Abilify.

Hail The Sun show is coming up & then bfs bday. he wants to go to this place in Fort Lauderdale that does fire dancing shows while you eat. Polynesian i think. we will be sleeping there over night. then i have another psych appt thennnn Justin Long~@*!~ periodically i get anxious when i think about it. nervous af

ꨄ︎

have to rant

I won't name these people but I've been following this rabbit hole for a year. 

never going back again

so while my bf, dad and Z were putting up the pool fence, my mom and sister went with me to take babygirl to swimming lessons. well it went south fast. first they were late again but this time way late. so I put sophia on the steps to splash around. finally when it was about time to start the lessons with the instructors she was scared and didnt wanna get in again. so they started to rope off the pool for different classes and when my sister was asking (as was i) on how we are to get in with our group the rude ass instructor was like "you just go under" in a nasty tone. then when I finally got in with sophia I felt so left out. they just started the lessons and didn't say what they were doing. so I am trying to watch everyone else all while sophias clinging to me crying that she wants to get out. so they started to teach the kids how to get out of the pool and sophia got out with ease but it was time to go back in. she wasn't getting in with me. so that rude ass instructor rudely told me to grab her all short tempered. so I do and then I just felt so out of place. all the other kids were having fun and I was left out on the side trying to calm sophia down. so the rude bitch ass instructor comes over and I thought she was gonna help out but no. she came over and looked at sophia and said "youre fine" as in "youre fine calm down its not that big of a deal". so what kind of instructor is that?? she's 2.5 years old shes a fucking baby. to tell her she's fine while she's actively scared and crying is so shitty coming from a teacher who is suppose to help. the last instructor was nicer and even asked to hold sophia and calmed her down. this one sucked so bad she had a rude attitude the whole time.

so sophias crying and screaming and my sister picks her up and we are leaving in the middle of the lessons cuz fuck them and fuck that. so sophias screaming bloody murder through out the entire ymca and for whatever reason my sister's trying to put her shoes on where people work out and everyone staring because sophia is just screaming her head off in front of them. so I said fuck the shoes just carry her out. we put her in the car and for 20 mins she's screaming her head off on my lap in the front seat trying to get out saying she wants to walk... ugh so im soaked from the pool had no chance to dry off and we're in my car just waiting out the melt down. it was fucking hell and fuck that stupid bitch for being so rude. she literally changed the whole vibe for us. we're not going back there ever again. we are also gonna write a complaint about her cuz wtf. so we're gonna give her swim lessons on our own. now that we have the pool fence up I can feel at ease. we are missing one panel so after we get that one up ill really feel better.

so i had the psychiatrist appt. she put me on Adderall for my horrible adhd and propanalol for my social anxiety. she told me to take the prop. as needed. I've been prescribed it before but never really used it so I tried it a couple of times when I took my daughter to the park. it helped i think. the adderall seems to really quiet my chattering, all over the place brain. it really helps so i can actually focus on whats needed to be focused on. see how this dr listens and prescribes you what you need without question. this dr is great. ill probably talk to her about still having depression aside from my adhd and social anxiety. to try and get on something to help that as well. I've been without meds for a while now and its time I got helped again. so here we are.

Saturday is pool fence day!! finally bitches. how long have I been harassing bf about this. so my dad is coming down, Z and bf are gonna be installing the pool gate. ill be taking my daughter to her swim lessons with my mom since hes busy with the gate.

Hopefully she'll be cool with the lessons if im in with her. 

she's been so hard to handle lately. very defiant and still having issues with her getting in car, carseat and getting out of the car. doesn't always listen about holding hands crossing streets. like this morning that fuck ass red car parked in my spot again at my mom's and I had to walk her and our wagon full of stuff across the street. so carrying all of that plus a defiant toddler dragging her across the road... sets me the fuck off. sigh so tiring 

bf had a show last Saturday and i stayed in. baby went to bed early and i chilled by myself. I treated it like my old days pre sophia where I'd listening to music have some drinks and play with makeup for pics. I was gonna try to stream again but was too busy having with with what I was doing as is. its something I needed honestly. Just time to myself 

bro

my sister surprised me with a ticket to the Scaradise convention she and my mom are going to to see and meet Jeffrey Dean Morgan. initially they were just gonna go cuz idc. but... I came over to my mom's today and she told me she's getting me a ticket because JUSTIN LONG is gonna be there. she said she'll pay for my photo op. IM SHAKING. im so excited and nervous I could throw up. 

bf knows im going now but doesn't know why. didnt wanna tell him cuz he'll hate me he can't go. omfg. 

so i have Hail The Sun next month, The Faint in Nov and in Oct Justin fucking Long. there is a lot of other people there like the cast from It the movies and a bunch of others. says hes doing selfies at the table if he has time. so I might just have her pay my photo op like originally planned in case. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Faint

got tickets to go see The Faint at The Social in November. I couldn't believe it. they never tour. this show is gonna be so dope!! initially I was gonna just go with my sister but I knew my bf would be pissed if I didnt ley him know about it. so we are all going now. still wanna see Hail The Sun next month and my sister said she'll get ticket when she gets paid again.

took sophia to her first swim lesson at the Y and she didnt like it much. she wasn't listening, wasn't a fan of being in the water doing the exercises. she did let the instructor hold her and was cool about it. as fucking much i dont wana go in the water I might next time just to see if shell participate if its me in there with her. my phobia of public pools will have to just get over it i guess ugh. I told bf if you want me to help with these lessons too then you gotta get me a 1 piece or a bathing suit that covers me cuz I dont wanna be there in a bikini.  weird. 

zack is coming over today to measure the pool. we're finally getting the pool gate going for safety. finally. fuck.

my hair didn't turn out like I wanted fully. the blue hair dye ran out and is patchy compared to the pink side. so my sister said she's gonna get me another bottle of blue. 

my sister was off work today so we tried to remove all thr colored dye in my hair so I can start over. well we out the stinky color remover on and it took out some but it turned a lot of the dyes blue, especially on the side with purple so I had like muddy blue hair ew

so she suggested I do bleach ti fade that out and so we did a test strip and it took the color out in liken 2 mins. so we went ahead and did all of the blue parts. 

im blonde again minus a few missed spots 

it looks so frizzy from all that and blow drying twice. im gonna need to condition it well

and I know I said I'd never use blue again but.... 😏

🖤

In the best kind of way

make your move

what's your move?

I've entered your veins 

and I'm carving my way through your thoughts 

planning on seeing Hail The Sun in Sept. I know bf wants to go see the Get Up Kids but I must see HTS. so according to my sister, her bf loves them so it gives me more of a chance to go see them.

told my sister if she ever sees Circa Survive or L.S Dunes touring before I notice, just get us tix. Anthony Green is gonna be in Fort Lauderdale at The Culture Room. I feel like i must go to that in Aug. 

I follow and will listen to anything that Anthony does. his music means so much to me. I just sat in my car yesterday while my daughter napped and cried to myself listening to Circa and L.S.D dammit. he is such an amazing song writer. such a raw, real emotional person. I love that. I cant believe i saw them on 2004 when they first were a band and weren't big yet. I remember loving it and trying to download their shit on Limewire 😭  i need to make a video on all of my concert tickets. I saw a girl do that and I need to do mine too I told her in the comments. she said she posted those cuz the emo and post hard-core scene is big on tiktok and said she has metal band tickets. i am not personally a big fan of metal but I obviously love post hard-core and emo. I have loved allll my life. ill be 80 and listening to the same shit. 

And in my head

You're like a song that I could never identify

And all along you play

In continuous repeat

You're like a problem I could never rectify

i need help (again)

not doing well mentally and the phase my daughter is in is just amplifying my stress. last night was awful. she wouldn't shower and she needed it badly cuz she gets so dirty at the park on the weekends. so I was panicked cuz she wouldn't get in the shower and I didnt know what to do. I lost it and was mean. I feel shitty every time I yell at her too. I said mean things. this isn't like me. luckily she was screaming her head off and didn't hear me. I would never say such a thing to her. I love her with my whole being and she's my life. I just cant handle this. what do I do? I dont want any medications that I've been on. I just get sooo overstimulated and stressed out I lose it. last night after a horrible fucking evening I was just tired. I came back to the house and was super rude to bf. he got offended and I am like dude "im just. so. tired." I cried a bit and told him what happened and I said I needed to be the fuck alone. so I went to lay down in her room to have a moment.  I never have alone time to myself unless she's napping or asleep at night. even then I am not alone. 

so i started to get angry again when she wouldn't listen or go to bed. she was so over tired and everything but just wouldn't. I had to get up and down multiple times to do this, do that... its her procrastinating to not go to bed. when she was fucking around in our bedroom while I was in her room alone, I slammed my hands on her couch in rage. I ended up yelling fuck so loud. then people to top it off were lighting off fireworks.  bf was pissed and went outside to yell at them but they had stopped. so I had a bad night and i got emotional and just told bf I can't do this. I literally almost just took my keys and drove away. I didnt cuz i didnt want babygirl to cry for me and worry. so I just stayed and ended up having another anxiety attack. 

so i have been getting anxiety attacks lately again. I hadn't had one of those on YEaaars. so I took a quarter of one of his klonopins and an edible. I felt calmer and relaxed. she actually slept all night, woke up at 6am and I went in her room with her and she fell right back asleep so I finally got some hard sleep. but I am not okay 😭 really. I have so much stress all of the time. between living in this situation with his fuck ass mom, miserable in my living situation cuz of her. my car causes me stress and my kid is just bad right now. its constant stress and I think the anxiety attacks are me just so overloaded. 

so im going to make some appts today. going to get some blood work done and get EVERYTHING checked. I am also gonna talk to an online Dr about my problem with overstimulatedess causing me to rage. my anxiety and ocd over everything. my ocd or whatever it is is just getting worse daily. phobias and such. I have anxiety badly right now and I just cant stop it. so i am seeking help (again). I just want to be happy and less agitated over everything. 

literally my mind is always worrying. so like when someone talks to me all I hear in my mind is "what am I gonna do later? well my car is bothering me with those spots. is my daughter ok? how am I gonna get her to bed on time?" then I am doing tasks, wait I have to clean this. I need clorox wipes. find the clorox wipes and find somethig else that needs cleaned up. so i clean thar then I get distracting by needing to vacuum so I dont finish what I was doing before cuz I have to do this new thing. my mind is constantly stressed and worrying. 

I just try to be a fucking good mom and I feel like i am failing. I beat myself up so much like I deserve it. everyone around me tells me I am just human and I do what I can under stress but its not what I feel inside. I feel like a horrible mom. 😞  so hopefully I can get help cuz I obviously can't do it alone.

baby girls first dentist appt

it went sooooo well. she loved the dentist (believe it or not). they loved her as well. they went on and on about how cute she was and made the dental hygienist laugh so much. baby girl was twirling and dancing around by the dentist chair and clapping. they cleaned her teeth and everything. gave her tooth brush and stickers and she got to pick out a treasure from the treasure box. she let her choose items and laughed when she chose bracelets cuz my girl loves bracelets and necklaces. she wears like 15 on one arm and like tons of beaded necklaces. so they laughed when she chose more to add on. then when we were setting up her appt she followed them around the office she went back with them cuz she had a good time. when it was time to go baby girl told me "no fanx" she wanted to stay. soooo NO cavities which makes me feel so happy. we brush her teeth twice a day as best as possible its hard with a 2 year old and the amount of candy I let her have 😬  she had no cavities:D

here's what it looks like to wake up with not great sleep cuz your kid wakes up multiple times asking for random shit. 

she slept most of the night but woke up at 5 30 to potty and to change nightgowns 😒 so 3 times total from 5 30am to 8 30am she got up. zzz.

she was doing so damn well too like going to bed early like 8 30. now its 9 30. then after I tell her ill leave the room if she doesnt go to bed i let her cry for a min then i come on and say "okkkk do u wanna go to sleep now?" then she falls asleep fast after the threat.

sad most of the shows we watch are over for the season. 

From = season ended

Devil In Silver = ended

Widows Bay = season ended

currently on:

Cape Fear (near endeing)

and we're now just rewatching The Righteous Gemstones before we start Dexter. i have never watched Dexter but my sister and mom love it. I am also told that David Dastmalchian, my goth king, plays a killer in it (LOVE him) and Dan Steven's is gonna be a new killer in new season so uhhhhhh I have to watch i am in love with that man. faaaahkk. so we'll be watching Dexter soon after The Righteous Gemstones (for the 3rd time) 

watched Obsession again cuz

Obsession verdict:

 I love it 

idk if it was supposed to make me laugh but it definitely did. I wouldn't say it was super fucked up like people were saying but then again I've seen a lot of fucked up movies. this was definitely a good story and good acting. my bf posted about it and said it was like being in a relationship with me. past me. when I was going through it and going through a lot of mental issues with bipolar mania it definitely reminded me of myself in a lot of ways. the clinging to bfs and getting upset anytime they did anything without me, the freaking out and up and down moods. the psychotic meltdowns... her frowny face scene cracked me up tho. I think we are gonna rewatch it this weekend. it deserved the imdb rating it received for sure. 

I was scrolling around on my fyp and some girl showed up and I was literally wearing the same shirt as she was lmao so I commented and then I realized our hair was super similar. except she had a turquoise shade in hers. I won't ever use blue  again tho 💔 

^_______^

so toddler life is still kicking my ass. the other night she woke up and man i was beat. I was so tired and felt unwell... so not great we didnt get to see fireworks. I just laid around. so she woke up and just stood in the bathroom and wouldn't let me get her back to bed. I gave up and just sat on her couch and waited til she came in. I checked on her a couple of times and startled her when I did. I dont think she was all the way awake tbh. so finally after like 30 or so mins she came back in her room and laid on the floor. she passed out fast. idk what it is but she does this every night. she cries and gets up and does stuff like that or she does get back in bed. but for me it causes me to not get good sleep cuz once I am awakened I am stuck awake for a while. 

she wakes up and does and says new things every morning. she started using me and i instead of her name or babygirl. so instead of "babygirl wants a treat" its "I want a treat". she also keeps saying meow meow after stuff. "i want that meow meow". lol also she told the cat yesterday not to sniff her paint brushes "no cat that's dangerous". its sooooo funny and cuuuute. im so happy I had a girl cuz girls are so fun. she pretends to put makeup on and says she's getting her hair done 😭 😭 which i have an appt in 2 weeks but the week before that she has to go to her first dentist appt ever. I hope to god it goes well and she likes her dentist. its the same dentist my sister went to when she was a kid. so 🤞🏻

so i need to figure out how i can print out all of my blog posts. I want to do this gradually and make a book out of them. to give to baby girl when she is older and can read all about me and my life... shit that I've been thru. I want her to read. some of of it will need to x out cuz there are some thing that I dont think she ever needs to know but the majority of it i think she can read when she's older. i documented her entire time she was chillin' in my stomach. 😭 makes me emotional to think about. but I think that would be something special when shes way older to read. 

so tired

lack of sleep is killing me. been rough nights with baby girl and trying to get her to bed. recently she finally started to forget about her pacifier. which needs to stop right now before she turns 3. so randomly she had a set back and asked for it. i stood firm and didn't cave in to her screaming in my face and pulling on me. she gave up and laid down for sleeping. she tried asking for it this evening but we said no and changed subjects. she finally went to bed early tonight hell yea. i am so fucking tired tho from her wakings in the middle of the night in which one of the nights she screamed her head off at 3am for more pizza. ??? so had to handle that. last night i had a nightmare myself. so awful i was crying in my sleep and when i woke up i was sobbing. i had a nightmare that baby girl was in daycare and i went to pick her up but they said she wasn't there. so i had no idea where she was and i figured someone took her. the worst thing to happen to a parent, especially a mother is her child being taken or missing period. i can't imagine what those people go through and i feel incredibly heart broken for them. it's gotta be the worst thing in the entire world. i had to tell myself when i woke up she was here and she is safe to stop myself from breaking down from that shit. weirdly my sister had a nightmare where she cried too. she said hers was about my mom killing herself. awful the fuck. i think it's stress and anxieties.

when we were coming back from my mom's yesterday some lady in another cx5 was next to me at a stop light and she urged me to move forward. she waved me forward and at first i am thinking "uh what now. did i leave something on my car. what's wrong now?" then i thought she was gonna compliment my stickers. so i inch up and roll my window down and she says "her little foot just made my day". baby girl had her foot out the window apparently (even tho i dont like her doing that) i thought that was nice haha.

one of my fav bands The Sleeping was selling old merch they found recently in one of the band members houses stored away and they were selling them off on their site. so i jumped the fuck on that and got one. crazy how they do their own merch instead of hiring. so i got a hand written thank you note for supporting blah blah but hell yea it's so fucking exciting cuz i loooove them. i was lucky enough to see them last yr since their re-banding (?) they said to take pics to post on IG wearing the merch and i am going to do that this weekend to get reposted hehe 

took her to the park today and she was holding hands with other little girls and walking around the park playing. it was sooooo cute i wanted to take pics but i felt weird so i didn't. didn't wanna take pics of other peoples kids. so she tried hugging some girls but they didnt like that and they went away from her and baby girl followed them lol she doesn't understand. i need to teach her boundaries tho. you do not touch people randomly without consent etc. she was so cute tho hugging new friends she was making at the park. 😭she's just growing up and growing up fast it's amazing to watch. i always say this but she literally changed my life. i had no purpose, no goals in life. i was super immature emotionally but after her, i have a purpose and a reason for being here. i am not the same person i was before her. it's insane how having a baby... birthing her, going thru that entire process will change you mentally (and physically unfortunately) but none of that matter as much as the life that she's brought me. they say you dont have kids when you want them, you have them when you need them on your life. i needed her. now she needs me and i am gonna do my absolute best to give her a happy, loving life. okay i am getting emotional again. i am on my period, shut up. 

gonna have a drink and watch Obsession. everyone's saying its fucked up and really good movie. I wanna see for myself cuz I've seen a lot of fucked up movies. I am curious about this one. 

poor baby

yesterday was... babygirl wasn't eating her dinner and I just figured she wasn't hungry. bf stopped by for a min. so we get in the car and she tells me her belly hurts and I figured she was hungry and during this i had just left my mom's and realized I forgot my left over Chipotle. so as I am turning around at a light she just starts throwing up all over the place. non stop. so I cut cars off and zoom back to my mom's and get her out. my car was quite the site after ugh. it was all the oatmeal and tater tots she had earlier. so I text bf and told him to come back right away. so I take her inside my moms where my sister and mom were. we washed her off in the shower then I went outside to clean it. bf came back and we got the carseat out of my car. he had to hose it down. so she isn't cooperating at all so she starts having a full on meltdown. we get back to the house and I had to force her out if the car and carry her in kicking and screaming. we get inside and she throws up again, all over me, herself and her blanket. so she screamed bloody murder fir 20 mins til I was able to calm her down and read her books. she fell asleep after right away. I felt so bad. 

back to the beginning she was in pain trying to potty so I made her an appt to get checked out. she had to pee in a bag so they could test it. results came back and they were negative of any uti. so idk exactly what was wrong or what happened. I thought the antibiotics were were given made her sick but I think she just had some weird 24 hr bug. the painful urinating tho i dont know what was wrong but shes sure as shit feeling better today.not listening to me at all. shes supposed to be in bed asleep at 8 30 but she's fuckibg around. sigh 

at least she's feeling normal now. that was crazy.

Father's Day

more tantrums, more car problems. well, the car works since they changed the mass air flow sensor but now the infotainment console is doing what they call "ghost touching". apparently the mazda cx5's have the worst infotainment consoles of any of them but offff course. so I did some research and they said to stop that, you have to unplug the wire that connects the touch screen feature. so if you disable it, it stops the erratic ghost touching. yesterday mine went haywire. it even called my hair stylist randomly. I dont even use the touch screen feature and you can't even use it when driving anyway. so I asked Zack about this and he said he can do this. youtube shows you tutorials but I don't want to fuck with taking apart my dashboard myself or any of that. but since it's causing issues due to Florida's heat? then i'll just have him unplug that wire.

so the mom again. I've still had some small bs but I ignored best I could. but she's getting extra weird again. I usually remove myself as much as I can because from a professional's stand point you have to stay away from narcissistic people for my own mental health. so shes always out there when my daughter is in the pool with her dad. so I never feel comfortable going out there. finally she was not around so I went outside. then she comes out and i just go back in after a couple mins. then she says to bf "did i interrupt something?" all innocent like. you know you did, hoe. then shortly after, my daughter comes in and says "grandma scares mommy" over and over. then she ran back in the room with the old hag and i heard her say "did you just tell on me?". i was livid because shes manipulating again. you never talk about adult dynamics with a 2 year old. she projects her bs onto my daughter and I hate that. so I told bf and he told her to never do that again and she acted like she had no idea what he was referring to, saying she never said that. then during a major toddler tantrum this old B says "i don't think she can be out here anymore (the living room)". fuuuuck you. wide load bitch. so after all of that bs

we went to Wasabi and got Thai food. last time we were there my daughter was being horrible and dropped her bracelets in the booth and we were gonna check to see if they were still there but people sat there. waiter told me.we looked like Joker & Harley Quinn and that he loved our style 😊  and some fat, greasy creep sitting with his dad turned around to look at us MULTIPLE times. my bf kept telling me about it and I noticed it too before we sat down. staring so hard and breaking his neck to look. creepy. but our food was so good tho.

babygirl slept horribly last night. since we picked her up from my moms a little passed her bedtime she didnt end up going to sleep until 10pm and woke up crying at 12 45am. she wanted to change nightgown, use the potty and drink my water. ugh. then she woke up at 6am and wanted to potty again and she only wanted to lay with me on her little couch so I couldn't fall back asleep then it was uncomfortable. then she fell asleep and woke up screaming at 8 30am. im struggling today. zzz

skressed!!

struggling again. the terrible 2s are still ongoing bro like... i can't handle it. still doesn't fet in the carseat right away. she fucks around all over the car and refuses to get in the seat right away. ive tried multiple methods. ive tried bribing, yelling, counting. they all only worked briefly. like when does this stage go away? this has been ongoing for 2 months or so. 

she also has this new phase where she says everything is hers. she bullies other kids at the playground by saying "leave sophia alone", "not yours!", "its mine!". yuck I dont like that attitude at all. so trying to figure out methods to abolish that behavior. 

had a horrible morning with her screaming and shaking out of anger. she was trying to play in the sink when it was time to get dressed. she refused to get dressed. she keeps saying "no fanks". i like her polite way of saying no but no... gotta ✋️  so yea been struggling as a toddler mom with this.

but she's super loving. she hugged my back yesterday and said love you mommy. 😭 she's very loving. hugs people and says "awww". i love her so fucking much but she be trying me. 

yesterday we saw a baby alligator come up to us cuz it had a hook stuck in its mouth. we called animal control and they said they can't do anything and that its super common and usually the hook rusts off and falls off their mouth. man, idk, the way that it floated over to us asking for help is breaking my heart. this happened last year with the turtle and the hook in its mouth. swam over to us and hovered around us asking for help 😭  im gonna check on the baby alligator later today and try and feed him. see if hes able to eat. animal control did say to check on him and see if hes still swimming and eating. poor baby.

my car feels cursed. I love it so much, its so kawaii and I am so happy but it feels like something new wrong every week. so the engine would so8nd like it was revving in park. it was super jerky driving too. so I had Zack switch spark plugs. it fixed it for a week then started again. so I took it to this mechanic bf knows and took his old vehicle to.  he said sensor errors came up and I read that its cuz after changing spark plugs, the system doesn't recognize its been changed yet. so they cleared the sensors and it stopped. he said if it does it again (cuz it could) then to bring it back. I am also starting to use 93 octane gas and so far its running smoother. so then yesterday morning the air was low on the tire. bf filled it up and noticed it had a nail on it. so we took it to mechanic for him to plug it and what does he say? he found 2 other screws in the same fucking tire!! so my guess is the bozos doing construction on this house my my moms are dropping screws left and right. cuz how else would I have 3 nails in one tire unless someone is deliberately doing it. i need to get new back tires at this point. its just always something. also the white stains on the hood that won't come off and have already etched itself into the paint.... car didn't have any of this bs when I got it 2 months ago. am I just cursed????

so ill need 2 new tires and a paint job. fun times

ANJELIC 🍊

got my seat covers on my car finally. 

I also got my personalized license plate in the mail way faster than I thought it'd take. 🪽  😇 

cars pretty much done. Z put the new brake switch in my car so those annoying sensors stopped but now I need new spark plugs. something the dealership should have done, no? they didn't so I bought new ones and hes gonna put them in for me. should be good after all 'at. baby girl is sleeping and im chilling in the car at the park. she's been a lot to handle. im not flying off the handle as badly as I was but still isn't easy. I dont want to. but I will probably seek out a new psychiatrist. hate taking meds. I've lost 26 lbs and I do not want to gain any weight with these meds. my hair also stopped coming out due to telogen effluvium and I dont want that to happen from anti psychotic meds.  hate those. I might get reevaluate cuz after I had my baby i notice I don't have manic episodes any more. but who knows. 

we were gonna go to see Taking Back Sunday the 6th but the tickets sky rocketed for shitty seats.  fuck that. 

outing

finally got to go out without baby. my mom watched her over night. we went to Lures and met up with Paige. felt weird cuz i was dolled up and when I stepped out of the Lyft, everyone turned around and stared. not use to going out anymore so I hated that. after we stopped by the bar. we hit up Crawdaddys and all 3 of us split a pasta dish. finally tried that martini bar and 17 bucks for a gross martini 😒 i also got carded by a girl way younger than me. she asked me how old i was and laughed waiting for my ID. gave it to her and she looked at me as if I was lying.  she reportedly gave my sister's friend a hard time getting in once too. whatever ill take it positively. went back to party at the bar and mrt some new girls and swapped IGs. we Lyfted back to the house and Paige came over for a bit. I think it was 3 30 when we finally went to bed. I chugged pedialyte beforehand which made the hangover way better to combat. 

so back to reality again. I dont feel changed and relaxed like I thought I would. still having angry, frustrated outbursts when my baby won't listen. idk what else to do other than get on a mood stabilizer that I don't want. I've also been hella stressed since we've had a fly invasion for the past 2 weeks. like alllĺ over the porch and the dumb hoe mom leaves the back door open and they infest the house. we've been battling them for weeks. I refuse to eat here cuz I physically can't without gagging. I think they're finally subsiding. I hope. 

got a hold of a car dealer that's going to detail my car and hopefully fix the stains on there I can't seem to get off. 

terrible twos

 terrible twos has been hell. I have cried because I hate getting so mad at her and yelling at her. I feel so shitty after. I just need a real fucking break for real. so next Friday my mom is gonna watch her over night and were going to pick her up the next day. i wanna go out and spend a good night out having fun and not worrying about getting back in time etc. I havent had that since Sept when we went to Orlando to see one of my fave bands The Sleeping. I bought myself a new dress and everything. I plan to have a real fucking night out. whenever i get this put of my system I am good for many months. but I neeeeeed this. baby girl has been a lot. full blown screaming fits, crying and drooling and flipping out every night. every time we try and get her in and out of a car she messes around and climb all over the car and doesn't get in her seat or get out. sooo annoying I hate this phase. ahe doesn't sit in carts, she stands up and fights us on it. she runs in the street and takes off. its so scary and horribly frustrating. I haven't had the time to sit and blog like I want. I havent had a single moment to myself. i keep getting mad too cuz my bf falls asleep when im fighting her and putting her to bed. i got so mad last night over this. must be fucking grand to sleep without concern. I take care of her 90% of the time. like how about staying awake to be fair to the struggling parent.  I'd feel shitty falling asleep. I got mad about it last night. 

so my hair appt is next Friday then were gonna go out. 🥳 

personalized license plate

so went to the DMV today to get my plate replaced since my old one from my old car was "defaced" and I'd have gotten pulled over. so I went and got a new plate and then got a new one for my old car and am giving my old car to my mom. she said she wants to try and have it fixed up if so she'll keep it, if not we'll have to sell it. sad cuz its been with me since '09 and is my first car. I also got my personalized license plate finally. after wanting a specific personalized plate for over a decade I finally got it and it hasn't been taken! so good thing I didn't purchase it thru a 3rd party cuz I would have been paying 160. but at the dmv I paid 149 for all of it. soo apparently it takes a long ass time to get the plate after you've ordered it like up to 90 days. sucks so bad I want it 😫  my new car is gonna be so kawaii. it already is starting to feel like me. I love my car and finally am able to customize again.

7 yr anniversary & new car

we had our 7 yr anniversary which was nice at first but followed by some arguing 🙄 but we went to the Black Marlin for dinner and fuck it was good. but yea the drama was over him being a baby. whining like a bitch cuz we didn't stay out that long when I even asked him if we should text my.sister ti pick us up after we walk around downtown. but he told me no just message her from the restaurant so I did. my sister was there in 10 mins and he acted all salty cuz we didn't stay out longer. I didn't want to anyway. I wanted to go to dinner and pick up my baby after and go home and chill and watch something together. he apologized thr next day for acting like a baby over it. always apologizing the damage is done. whatever

so fast fwd. went down to del rey to look at a car for sale. I had gotten my inheritance money from my grandma and my father sent me 2k. I had to dip into my babys inheritance and felt shitty about it but my mom said she won't be needing it til shes 18 so I can just build it back up. so im poor now but at least I got a dope ass car. I got a Mazda CX-5 2019. it had 96k miles on it 😬 but I did much research and the Mazda CX-5 is such a reliable car going up to 250k with regular maintenance. so I made sure the past owner did its job by doing regular maintenance. car is fully loaded with sunroof and bose system. we even discovered it has a sub woofer in the back. so I am gonna rake good care of this vehicle im soo in love with it. we were told the price at the dealership was 19 almost 20k and said I can't afford that. so she won't to talk to manager about getting price down. as they do playing the fucking game. I ended up getting it down to 16750. so here we are