🖤

In the best kind of way

make your move

what's your move?

I've entered your veins 

and I'm carving my way through your thoughts 

planning on seeing Hail The Sun in Sept. I know bf wants to go see the Get Up Kids but I must see HTS. so according to my sister, her bf loves them so it gives me more of a chance to go see them.

told my sister if she ever sees Circa Survive or L.S Dunes touring before I notice, just get us tix. Anthony Green is gonna be in Fort Lauderdale at The Culture Room. I feel like i must go to that in Aug. 

I follow and will listen to anything that Anthony does. his music means so much to me. I just sat in my car yesterday while my daughter napped and cried to myself listening to Circa and L.S.D dammit. he is such an amazing song writer. such a raw, real emotional person. I love that. I cant believe i saw them on 2004 when they first were a band and weren't big yet. I remember loving it and trying to download their shit on Limewire 😭  i need to make a video on all of my concert tickets. I saw a girl do that and I need to do mine too I told her in the comments. she said she posted those cuz the emo and post hard-core scene is big on tiktok and said she has metal band tickets. i am not personally a big fan of metal but I obviously love post hard-core and emo. I have loved allll my life. ill be 80 and listening to the same shit. 

And in my head

You're like a song that I could never identify

And all along you play

In continuous repeat

You're like a problem I could never rectify

i need help (again)

not doing well mentally and the phase my daughter is in is just amplifying my stress. last night was awful. she wouldn't shower and she needed it badly cuz she gets so dirty at the park on the weekends. so I was panicked cuz she wouldn't get in the shower and I didnt know what to do. I lost it and was mean. I feel shitty every time I yell at her too. I said mean things. this isn't like me. luckily she was screaming her head off and didn't hear me. I would never say such a thing to her. I love her with my whole being and she's my life. I just cant handle this. what do I do? I dont want any medications that I've been on. I just get sooo overstimulated and stressed out I lose it. last night after a horrible fucking evening I was just tired. I came back to the house and was super rude to bf. he got offended and I am like dude "im just. so. tired." I cried a bit and told him what happened and I said I needed to be the fuck alone. so I went to lay down in her room to have a moment.  I never have alone time to myself unless she's napping or asleep at night. even then I am not alone. 

so i started to get angry again when she wouldn't listen or go to bed. she was so over tired and everything but just wouldn't. I had to get up and down multiple times to do this, do that... its her procrastinating to not go to bed. when she was fucking around in our bedroom while I was in her room alone, I slammed my hands on her couch in rage. I ended up yelling fuck so loud. then people to top it off were lighting off fireworks.  bf was pissed and went outside to yell at them but they had stopped. so I had a bad night and i got emotional and just told bf I can't do this. I literally almost just took my keys and drove away. I didnt cuz i didnt want babygirl to cry for me and worry. so I just stayed and ended up having another anxiety attack. 

so i have been getting anxiety attacks lately again. I hadn't had one of those on YEaaars. so I took a quarter of one of his klonopins and an edible. I felt calmer and relaxed. she actually slept all night, woke up at 6am and I went in her room with her and she fell right back asleep so I finally got some hard sleep. but I am not okay 😭 really. I have so much stress all of the time. between living in this situation with his fuck ass mom, miserable in my living situation cuz of her. my car causes me stress and my kid is just bad right now. its constant stress and I think the anxiety attacks are me just so overloaded. 

so im going to make some appts today. going to get some blood work done and get EVERYTHING checked. I am also gonna talk to an online Dr about my problem with overstimulatedess causing me to rage. my anxiety and ocd over everything. my ocd or whatever it is is just getting worse daily. phobias and such. I have anxiety badly right now and I just cant stop it. so i am seeking help (again). I just want to be happy and less agitated over everything. 

literally my mind is always worrying. so like when someone talks to me all I hear in my mind is "what am I gonna do later? well my car is bothering me with those spots. is my daughter ok? how am I gonna get her to bed on time?" then I am doing tasks, wait I have to clean this. I need clorox wipes. find the clorox wipes and find somethig else that needs cleaned up. so i clean thar then I get distracting by needing to vacuum so I dont finish what I was doing before cuz I have to do this new thing. my mind is constantly stressed and worrying. 

I just try to be a fucking good mom and I feel like i am failing. I beat myself up so much like I deserve it. everyone around me tells me I am just human and I do what I can under stress but its not what I feel inside. I feel like a horrible mom. 😞  so hopefully I can get help cuz I obviously can't do it alone.

baby girls first dentist appt

it went sooooo well. she loved the dentist (believe it or not). they loved her as well. they went on and on about how cute she was and made the dental hygienist laugh so much. baby girl was twirling and dancing around by the dentist chair and clapping. they cleaned her teeth and everything. gave her tooth brush and stickers and she got to pick out a treasure from the treasure box. she let her choose items and laughed when she chose bracelets cuz my girl loves bracelets and necklaces. she wears like 15 on one arm and like tons of beaded necklaces. so they laughed when she chose more to add on. then when we were setting up her appt she followed them around the office she went back with them cuz she had a good time. when it was time to go baby girl told me "no fanx" she wanted to stay. soooo NO cavities which makes me feel so happy. we brush her teeth twice a day as best as possible its hard with a 2 year old and the amount of candy I let her have 😬  she had no cavities:D

here's what it looks like to wake up with not great sleep cuz your kid wakes up multiple times asking for random shit. 

she slept most of the night but woke up at 5 30 to potty and to change nightgowns 😒 so 3 times total from 5 30am to 8 30am she got up. zzz.

she was doing so damn well too like going to bed early like 8 30. now its 9 30. then after I tell her ill leave the room if she doesnt go to bed i let her cry for a min then i come on and say "okkkk do u wanna go to sleep now?" then she falls asleep fast after the threat.

sad most of the shows we watch are over for the season. 

From = season ended

Devil In Silver = ended

Widows Bay = season ended

currently on:

Cape Fear (near endeing)

and we're now just rewatching The Righteous Gemstones before we start Dexter. i have never watched Dexter but my sister and mom love it. I am also told that David Dastmalchian, my goth king, plays a killer in it (LOVE him) and Dan Steven's is gonna be a new killer in new season so uhhhhhh I have to watch i am in love with that man. faaaahkk. so we'll be watching Dexter soon after The Righteous Gemstones (for the 3rd time) 

watched Obsession again cuz

Obsession verdict:

 I love it 

idk if it was supposed to make me laugh but it definitely did. I wouldn't say it was super fucked up like people were saying but then again I've seen a lot of fucked up movies. this was definitely a good story and good acting. my bf posted about it and said it was like being in a relationship with me. past me. when I was going through it and going through a lot of mental issues with bipolar mania it definitely reminded me of myself in a lot of ways. the clinging to bfs and getting upset anytime they did anything without me, the freaking out and up and down moods. the psychotic meltdowns... her frowny face scene cracked me up tho. I think we are gonna rewatch it this weekend. it deserved the imdb rating it received for sure. 

I was scrolling around on my fyp and some girl showed up and I was literally wearing the same shirt as she was lmao so I commented and then I realized our hair was super similar. except she had a turquoise shade in hers. I won't ever use blue  again tho 💔 

^_______^

so toddler life is still kicking my ass. the other night she woke up and man i was beat. I was so tired and felt unwell... so not great we didnt get to see fireworks. I just laid around. so she woke up and just stood in the bathroom and wouldn't let me get her back to bed. I gave up and just sat on her couch and waited til she came in. I checked on her a couple of times and startled her when I did. I dont think she was all the way awake tbh. so finally after like 30 or so mins she came back in her room and laid on the floor. she passed out fast. idk what it is but she does this every night. she cries and gets up and does stuff like that or she does get back in bed. but for me it causes me to not get good sleep cuz once I am awakened I am stuck awake for a while. 

she wakes up and does and says new things every morning. she started using me and i instead of her name or babygirl. so instead of "babygirl wants a treat" its "I want a treat". she also keeps saying meow meow after stuff. "i want that meow meow". lol also she told the cat yesterday not to sniff her paint brushes "no cat that's dangerous". its sooooo funny and cuuuute. im so happy I had a girl cuz girls are so fun. she pretends to put makeup on and says she's getting her hair done 😭 😭 which i have an appt in 2 weeks but the week before that she has to go to her first dentist appt ever. I hope to god it goes well and she likes her dentist. its the same dentist my sister went to when she was a kid. so 🤞🏻

so i need to figure out how i can print out all of my blog posts. I want to do this gradually and make a book out of them. to give to baby girl when she is older and can read all about me and my life... shit that I've been thru. I want her to read. some of of it will need to x out cuz there are some thing that I dont think she ever needs to know but the majority of it i think she can read when she's older. i documented her entire time she was chillin' in my stomach. 😭 makes me emotional to think about. but I think that would be something special when shes way older to read. 

so tired

lack of sleep is killing me. been rough nights with baby girl and trying to get her to bed. recently she finally started to forget about her pacifier. which needs to stop right now before she turns 3. so randomly she had a set back and asked for it. i stood firm and didn't cave in to her screaming in my face and pulling on me. she gave up and laid down for sleeping. she tried asking for it this evening but we said no and changed subjects. she finally went to bed early tonight hell yea. i am so fucking tired tho from her wakings in the middle of the night in which one of the nights she screamed her head off at 3am for more pizza. ??? so had to handle that. last night i had a nightmare myself. so awful i was crying in my sleep and when i woke up i was sobbing. i had a nightmare that baby girl was in daycare and i went to pick her up but they said she wasn't there. so i had no idea where she was and i figured someone took her. the worst thing to happen to a parent, especially a mother is her child being taken or missing period. i can't imagine what those people go through and i feel incredibly heart broken for them. it's gotta be the worst thing in the entire world. i had to tell myself when i woke up she was here and she is safe to stop myself from breaking down from that shit. weirdly my sister had a nightmare where she cried too. she said hers was about my mom killing herself. awful the fuck. i think it's stress and anxieties.

when we were coming back from my mom's yesterday some lady in another cx5 was next to me at a stop light and she urged me to move forward. she waved me forward and at first i am thinking "uh what now. did i leave something on my car. what's wrong now?" then i thought she was gonna compliment my stickers. so i inch up and roll my window down and she says "her little foot just made my day". baby girl had her foot out the window apparently (even tho i dont like her doing that) i thought that was nice haha.

one of my fav bands The Sleeping was selling old merch they found recently in one of the band members houses stored away and they were selling them off on their site. so i jumped the fuck on that and got one. crazy how they do their own merch instead of hiring. so i got a hand written thank you note for supporting blah blah but hell yea it's so fucking exciting cuz i loooove them. i was lucky enough to see them last yr since their re-banding (?) they said to take pics to post on IG wearing the merch and i am going to do that this weekend to get reposted hehe 

took her to the park today and she was holding hands with other little girls and walking around the park playing. it was sooooo cute i wanted to take pics but i felt weird so i didn't. didn't wanna take pics of other peoples kids. so she tried hugging some girls but they didnt like that and they went away from her and baby girl followed them lol she doesn't understand. i need to teach her boundaries tho. you do not touch people randomly without consent etc. she was so cute tho hugging new friends she was making at the park. 😭she's just growing up and growing up fast it's amazing to watch. i always say this but she literally changed my life. i had no purpose, no goals in life. i was super immature emotionally but after her, i have a purpose and a reason for being here. i am not the same person i was before her. it's insane how having a baby... birthing her, going thru that entire process will change you mentally (and physically unfortunately) but none of that matter as much as the life that she's brought me. they say you dont have kids when you want them, you have them when you need them on your life. i needed her. now she needs me and i am gonna do my absolute best to give her a happy, loving life. okay i am getting emotional again. i am on my period, shut up. 

gonna have a drink and watch Obsession. everyone's saying its fucked up and really good movie. I wanna see for myself cuz I've seen a lot of fucked up movies. I am curious about this one. 

poor baby

yesterday was... babygirl wasn't eating her dinner and I just figured she wasn't hungry. bf stopped by for a min. so we get in the car and she tells me her belly hurts and I figured she was hungry and during this i had just left my mom's and realized I forgot my left over Chipotle. so as I am turning around at a light she just starts throwing up all over the place. non stop. so I cut cars off and zoom back to my mom's and get her out. my car was quite the site after ugh. it was all the oatmeal and tater tots she had earlier. so I text bf and told him to come back right away. so I take her inside my moms where my sister and mom were. we washed her off in the shower then I went outside to clean it. bf came back and we got the carseat out of my car. he had to hose it down. so she isn't cooperating at all so she starts having a full on meltdown. we get back to the house and I had to force her out if the car and carry her in kicking and screaming. we get inside and she throws up again, all over me, herself and her blanket. so she screamed bloody murder fir 20 mins til I was able to calm her down and read her books. she fell asleep after right away. I felt so bad. 

back to the beginning she was in pain trying to potty so I made her an appt to get checked out. she had to pee in a bag so they could test it. results came back and they were negative of any uti. so idk exactly what was wrong or what happened. I thought the antibiotics were were given made her sick but I think she just had some weird 24 hr bug. the painful urinating tho i dont know what was wrong but shes sure as shit feeling better today.not listening to me at all. shes supposed to be in bed asleep at 8 30 but she's fuckibg around. sigh 

at least she's feeling normal now. that was crazy.

Father's Day

more tantrums, more car problems. well, the car works since they changed the mass air flow sensor but now the infotainment console is doing what they call "ghost touching". apparently the mazda cx5's have the worst infotainment consoles of any of them but offff course. so I did some research and they said to stop that, you have to unplug the wire that connects the touch screen feature. so if you disable it, it stops the erratic ghost touching. yesterday mine went haywire. it even called my hair stylist randomly. I dont even use the touch screen feature and you can't even use it when driving anyway. so I asked Zack about this and he said he can do this. youtube shows you tutorials but I don't want to fuck with taking apart my dashboard myself or any of that. but since it's causing issues due to Florida's heat? then i'll just have him unplug that wire.

so the mom again. I've still had some small bs but I ignored best I could. but she's getting extra weird again. I usually remove myself as much as I can because from a professional's stand point you have to stay away from narcissistic people for my own mental health. so shes always out there when my daughter is in the pool with her dad. so I never feel comfortable going out there. finally she was not around so I went outside. then she comes out and i just go back in after a couple mins. then she says to bf "did i interrupt something?" all innocent like. you know you did, hoe. then shortly after, my daughter comes in and says "grandma scares mommy" over and over. then she ran back in the room with the old hag and i heard her say "did you just tell on me?". i was livid because shes manipulating again. you never talk about adult dynamics with a 2 year old. she projects her bs onto my daughter and I hate that. so I told bf and he told her to never do that again and she acted like she had no idea what he was referring to, saying she never said that. then during a major toddler tantrum this old B says "i don't think she can be out here anymore (the living room)". fuuuuck you. wide load bitch. so after all of that bs

we went to Wasabi and got Thai food. last time we were there my daughter was being horrible and dropped her bracelets in the booth and we were gonna check to see if they were still there but people sat there. waiter told me.we looked like Joker & Harley Quinn and that he loved our style 😊  and some fat, greasy creep sitting with his dad turned around to look at us MULTIPLE times. my bf kept telling me about it and I noticed it too before we sat down. staring so hard and breaking his neck to look. creepy. but our food was so good tho.

babygirl slept horribly last night. since we picked her up from my moms a little passed her bedtime she didnt end up going to sleep until 10pm and woke up crying at 12 45am. she wanted to change nightgown, use the potty and drink my water. ugh. then she woke up at 6am and wanted to potty again and she only wanted to lay with me on her little couch so I couldn't fall back asleep then it was uncomfortable. then she fell asleep and woke up screaming at 8 30am. im struggling today. zzz

skressed!!

struggling again. the terrible 2s are still ongoing bro like... i can't handle it. still doesn't fet in the carseat right away. she fucks around all over the car and refuses to get in the seat right away. ive tried multiple methods. ive tried bribing, yelling, counting. they all only worked briefly. like when does this stage go away? this has been ongoing for 2 months or so. 

she also has this new phase where she says everything is hers. she bullies other kids at the playground by saying "leave sophia alone", "not yours!", "its mine!". yuck I dont like that attitude at all. so trying to figure out methods to abolish that behavior. 

had a horrible morning with her screaming and shaking out of anger. she was trying to play in the sink when it was time to get dressed. she refused to get dressed. she keeps saying "no fanks". i like her polite way of saying no but no... gotta ✋️  so yea been struggling as a toddler mom with this.

but she's super loving. she hugged my back yesterday and said love you mommy. 😭 she's very loving. hugs people and says "awww". i love her so fucking much but she be trying me. 

yesterday we saw a baby alligator come up to us cuz it had a hook stuck in its mouth. we called animal control and they said they can't do anything and that its super common and usually the hook rusts off and falls off their mouth. man, idk, the way that it floated over to us asking for help is breaking my heart. this happened last year with the turtle and the hook in its mouth. swam over to us and hovered around us asking for help 😭  im gonna check on the baby alligator later today and try and feed him. see if hes able to eat. animal control did say to check on him and see if hes still swimming and eating. poor baby.

my car feels cursed. I love it so much, its so kawaii and I am so happy but it feels like something new wrong every week. so the engine would so8nd like it was revving in park. it was super jerky driving too. so I had Zack switch spark plugs. it fixed it for a week then started again. so I took it to this mechanic bf knows and took his old vehicle to.  he said sensor errors came up and I read that its cuz after changing spark plugs, the system doesn't recognize its been changed yet. so they cleared the sensors and it stopped. he said if it does it again (cuz it could) then to bring it back. I am also starting to use 93 octane gas and so far its running smoother. so then yesterday morning the air was low on the tire. bf filled it up and noticed it had a nail on it. so we took it to mechanic for him to plug it and what does he say? he found 2 other screws in the same fucking tire!! so my guess is the bozos doing construction on this house my my moms are dropping screws left and right. cuz how else would I have 3 nails in one tire unless someone is deliberately doing it. i need to get new back tires at this point. its just always something. also the white stains on the hood that won't come off and have already etched itself into the paint.... car didn't have any of this bs when I got it 2 months ago. am I just cursed????

so ill need 2 new tires and a paint job. fun times

ANJELIC 🍊

got my seat covers on my car finally. 

I also got my personalized license plate in the mail way faster than I thought it'd take. 🪽  😇 

cars pretty much done. Z put the new brake switch in my car so those annoying sensors stopped but now I need new spark plugs. something the dealership should have done, no? they didn't so I bought new ones and hes gonna put them in for me. should be good after all 'at. baby girl is sleeping and im chilling in the car at the park. she's been a lot to handle. im not flying off the handle as badly as I was but still isn't easy. I dont want to. but I will probably seek out a new psychiatrist. hate taking meds. I've lost 26 lbs and I do not want to gain any weight with these meds. my hair also stopped coming out due to telogen effluvium and I dont want that to happen from anti psychotic meds.  hate those. I might get reevaluate cuz after I had my baby i notice I don't have manic episodes any more. but who knows. 

we were gonna go to see Taking Back Sunday the 6th but the tickets sky rocketed for shitty seats.  fuck that. 

outing

finally got to go out without baby. my mom watched her over night. we went to Lures and met up with Paige. felt weird cuz i was dolled up and when I stepped out of the Lyft, everyone turned around and stared. not use to going out anymore so I hated that. after we stopped by the bar. we hit up Crawdaddys and all 3 of us split a pasta dish. finally tried that martini bar and 17 bucks for a gross martini 😒 i also got carded by a girl way younger than me. she asked me how old i was and laughed waiting for my ID. gave it to her and she looked at me as if I was lying.  she reportedly gave my sister's friend a hard time getting in once too. whatever ill take it positively. went back to party at the bar and mrt some new girls and swapped IGs. we Lyfted back to the house and Paige came over for a bit. I think it was 3 30 when we finally went to bed. I chugged pedialyte beforehand which made the hangover way better to combat. 

so back to reality again. I dont feel changed and relaxed like I thought I would. still having angry, frustrated outbursts when my baby won't listen. idk what else to do other than get on a mood stabilizer that I don't want. I've also been hella stressed since we've had a fly invasion for the past 2 weeks. like alllĺ over the porch and the dumb hoe mom leaves the back door open and they infest the house. we've been battling them for weeks. I refuse to eat here cuz I physically can't without gagging. I think they're finally subsiding. I hope. 

got a hold of a car dealer that's going to detail my car and hopefully fix the stains on there I can't seem to get off. 

terrible twos

 terrible twos has been hell. I have cried because I hate getting so mad at her and yelling at her. I feel so shitty after. I just need a real fucking break for real. so next Friday my mom is gonna watch her over night and were going to pick her up the next day. i wanna go out and spend a good night out having fun and not worrying about getting back in time etc. I havent had that since Sept when we went to Orlando to see one of my fave bands The Sleeping. I bought myself a new dress and everything. I plan to have a real fucking night out. whenever i get this put of my system I am good for many months. but I neeeeeed this. baby girl has been a lot. full blown screaming fits, crying and drooling and flipping out every night. every time we try and get her in and out of a car she messes around and climb all over the car and doesn't get in her seat or get out. sooo annoying I hate this phase. ahe doesn't sit in carts, she stands up and fights us on it. she runs in the street and takes off. its so scary and horribly frustrating. I haven't had the time to sit and blog like I want. I havent had a single moment to myself. i keep getting mad too cuz my bf falls asleep when im fighting her and putting her to bed. i got so mad last night over this. must be fucking grand to sleep without concern. I take care of her 90% of the time. like how about staying awake to be fair to the struggling parent.  I'd feel shitty falling asleep. I got mad about it last night. 

so my hair appt is next Friday then were gonna go out. 🥳 

personalized license plate

so went to the DMV today to get my plate replaced since my old one from my old car was "defaced" and I'd have gotten pulled over. so I went and got a new plate and then got a new one for my old car and am giving my old car to my mom. she said she wants to try and have it fixed up if so she'll keep it, if not we'll have to sell it. sad cuz its been with me since '09 and is my first car. I also got my personalized license plate finally. after wanting a specific personalized plate for over a decade I finally got it and it hasn't been taken! so good thing I didn't purchase it thru a 3rd party cuz I would have been paying 160. but at the dmv I paid 149 for all of it. soo apparently it takes a long ass time to get the plate after you've ordered it like up to 90 days. sucks so bad I want it 😫  my new car is gonna be so kawaii. it already is starting to feel like me. I love my car and finally am able to customize again.

7 yr anniversary & new car

we had our 7 yr anniversary which was nice at first but followed by some arguing 🙄 but we went to the Black Marlin for dinner and fuck it was good. but yea the drama was over him being a baby. whining like a bitch cuz we didn't stay out that long when I even asked him if we should text my.sister ti pick us up after we walk around downtown. but he told me no just message her from the restaurant so I did. my sister was there in 10 mins and he acted all salty cuz we didn't stay out longer. I didn't want to anyway. I wanted to go to dinner and pick up my baby after and go home and chill and watch something together. he apologized thr next day for acting like a baby over it. always apologizing the damage is done. whatever

so fast fwd. went down to del rey to look at a car for sale. I had gotten my inheritance money from my grandma and my father sent me 2k. I had to dip into my babys inheritance and felt shitty about it but my mom said she won't be needing it til shes 18 so I can just build it back up. so im poor now but at least I got a dope ass car. I got a Mazda CX-5 2019. it had 96k miles on it 😬 but I did much research and the Mazda CX-5 is such a reliable car going up to 250k with regular maintenance. so I made sure the past owner did its job by doing regular maintenance. car is fully loaded with sunroof and bose system. we even discovered it has a sub woofer in the back. so I am gonna rake good care of this vehicle im soo in love with it. we were told the price at the dealership was 19 almost 20k and said I can't afford that. so she won't to talk to manager about getting price down. as they do playing the fucking game. I ended up getting it down to 16750. so here we are 

getting a new car

well used but new to me. I was recently blessed and am looking now. I am getting a Mazda CX-5. small SUV that can fit Sophia nicely in the back seat. I was originally looking at Toyota hatchbacks but the backs too small. Toyota CHR is sluggish. so I googled what I need for my situations. I needed to fit a carseat nicely, don't like big vehicles and don't want one that's slow to accelerate and i was met with the Mazda CX-5. it even has sunroof and heated seats. u was looking at a Subaru Crosstrek but the ones I found i can't afford so my second choice was the Mazda. I am excited and nervous. I hate dealing with dealerships. 

Strawberry festival 🍓

went to Strawberry festival and it was good. Baby didn't want to stay in the stroller so we had no choice but to let her walk. i made sure she stood by me and when she would run i reminded her and she listened. once or twice she took if and I uad to go after her but mostly she was good. we split a Gyro and it was so good 

right after this Pic was taken she got mad at being picked up. she just wants to be independent so bad.

we went to the beach with her for the first time since since last year. she was afraid of the sand at first and wouldn't let me out her down but got over it fast. then she was afraid a bit of the ocean after a wave knocked her over lol. I wanna go often this summer. I want her to enjoy the beach this summer and I wanna get some sun. 

we took her to Paulseidons restaurant after and since she didn't nap, she didn't behave the best. started to take the highchairs and slide them around where people were eating and trying to climb in. so J had to stop her and she screamed. so it was time to go. told them we needed our food to go and i struggled to take her to the car. she was screaming and wouldn't let me put her in the carseat. so I said whatever and let her scream. I sat in the beack seat with her until she stopped then I buckled her in. ugh 

new phone

got a new phone again since we have that family plan where we can get new ones every year. I got the step above the s25 ultra and got the 26. not much difference in it but i like the low light, clearer pics now. its an upgrade since the last phone. the horizontal lock is pretty cool too.

took baby girl to a new park yesterday and saw a friend there with his gf and her kid. got overstimulated cuz so many people go to that one so we left after 40 mins. but not before a tantrum cuz we had to leave. 

had good time hanging out. got some Jameson last night. its been so long since I dont drink as much anymore.

 I'm tired. I wish I could sleep like 20 more mins but babygirl doesn't let me. when shes up, we all have to be up.  😴 

depression

having a rough time mentally again. my baby is being really tough to deal with to when I feel so depressed and angry every day. still dealing with bipolar disorder I guess but when it comes down to it, living in this house triggers my bipolar depression. I think it's safe to say we all know who is the cause of this too. I feel like it's so hard to want to do things every day. it's hard to want to play with my daughter. I find myself disassociating the majority of my days. like I stay thinking about nostolgia. I take half an edible every night to sleep and before bed I'm scrolling through looking at nostolgia. old commercials and vibes that remind me of my dreams. I am so unhappy in my present life right now that I keep trying to escape in my mind. that's not okay, especially with a toddler who needs me. I find myself losing my temper every day and snapping at her. it makes me feel like shit at the end of the day. I dont want to be a stressed out depressed and angry mom. I want to be a fun mom. but it's hard to be when I feel like hiding away. I dont want anti psychotics or mood stabilizers because I've never taken one that didn't have side effects like weight gain or hair loss. they all do shit to my body I don't like. idk what to do.

rewind to the past 2 days my daughter was taken to the store. we took her to shop for clothes for her (my mom and i). babygirl decided she no longer wants to sit in shopping carts. so I told her to stay near us. she did not listen for very long. she was in other isles, in the way of others & not coming with us to the next isle so I had no choice but to force her to sit in a cart. didn't go well so she started screaming in the store. it was so embarrassing because I have bad social anxiety. everyone was looking at me and I barely had a grip on her. had to walk all thru the store and into the parking lot with her screaming and slippingthrough my arms. 

day 2. wouldn't sit in the cart again. oh and we had some old motherfucker parked next to us with his window down just staring at us. I told bf right away to get babygirl out of the cartseat cuz I didn't want to stand next to that creepy gawker. so we fight our daughter about shopping carts while this old fuck stares at us out his window. so I stare him down and he looks away. so we give up and tell babygirl she has to walk with us and hold hands. it worked for a few mins. then she was taking off again and screaming every time I tried to guide her back or pick her up. so we barely make it to the check out and she takes off out the store doors. I chased her down and she was on her way to the street. I was sooo pissed. so I forcibly have to pick her up again and carry her to the car, screaming. so I am no longer taking her to stores. i can't handle that stress. the stress of people staring, losing her or not being able to shop properly. that scared me because if any of us were to ever look away for one second, she'd be gone. its scares the hell out of me.

so rewind further and she was great when we went to a downtown Saint Patrick's Day event.  she actually held my hand til we got to the point of her wanting to sit in the stroller. she did keep bothering these women at Pierced Cider by going up to them constantly and telling them things lol. she's super outgoing to certain people. also kind of concerning because we dont want her talking to strangers. but it's good that she's not afraid and is outgoing. she also no longer cries when Paulseidon is around lol. she used to cry constantly when she saw him. now they're cool  😎  so I am dealing with depression and the terrible twos. 😞 

on a better note, we watched Frankenstein finally. it was very emotional. 

 

fuck this van

so0o been throwing away money it feels like on this van my dad left me. a van I can't comfortably drive cuz its too big and bulky I just know id get into fender benders. so the van got towed because my mom lives in a strict fucking apartment complex. my dad apparently drove it all the way down here from NC on a a year expired tag. so we had to have it all taken care of but before we were able to, the complex complained and had it towed without warning. my mom and I had to go to the tow place and pay 500.00 to get it out. so because of these people, we had to throw away 500.00. then I had to go down to the dmv ad pay 390.00 to get a new tag and it transferred to my name. before all that we sat at the dmv for 45 mins for them to tell us we have to meet up with a cop where the van is parked so he can write the vin and everything. so that was another 35 minute wait, waiting on the cop. I told him I didn't even want this van and he said good news is I can sell it and get something else. but when he looked at it having 340,000 miles on it he was like uhh idk how much you'd even get for it. its a 2017 van with a tonnnn of miles on it but I explained they were highway miles cuz my dad use to do deliveries on it. so now i start thinking. I feel like him giving me this van I dont want has actually cost me almost a grand in money I am trying to save for a new one. just a bunch of BS. 

new tattoo ^-^

so I got a new tattoo of a little clown cat. 

she's so cute! Paige always hooks me up with the cutest stuff. she also gave me that painting she did ofnthe clown face with the ruffled trim. plus, she had given me the other one. said she wasn't sure if I wanted it, if it was too scary to be around my kid but I said hell yea I'll take both of them. she said she thinks they belong together, like sisters. 😭  

so I got 2 of her art pieces and she did my tattoo. once again, tried to sneakily tip her because she never wants to accept our money. next tattoo is gonna be a bigger one on my other leg. 

shit went down when I got back from my tattoo appt. so my dad gave me his van to use but for one, hell no, I am not driving a van. I dont like big vehicles I dont feel confident driving in them. i prefer small sedans. I need a 4 door car of my own so I wanted to sell the van. we'll where my mom lives theyre super gay about rules on everything. so they towed the fucking van yesterday and we had to get it back today. 503.00 later. wasted. I was so mad my mom was so stressed it was a big ordeal. the tag is also 3 years expired on it which is main reason they towed it. the fact this fucking losers patrol the parking lots of my mom's complex. the van was there for a week while we were getting ready to register it in my name etc. so now its parked outside of my bfs work place. my mom's still scared itll get towed. just always something going wrong. im waiting on my inheritance from my grandma. she said its not a lot but idk what that means. 1, 2, 5 grand? dont know. but her money, my saved money & the money we get from selling my old car and the van. im hoping to buy my own 4 door car. might need help from my father but we'll see. 

got hair done on Friday and I plan on doing the half purple half pink split dye as soon as this pink fades a bit more. 

still here

still here. still dealing. trying daily.

so moving on... took baby to the waterpark. she hasn't been since she was 1. so we took her again after getting her a bathing suit at Target. she had a blast there. then the next day, we took baby girl to our friends' kid's 5th birthday party at the bowling alley. obviously she was too young to participate so we mostly sat in the game area. she was good until she ran around by the lanes where people were having their games. she threw a fit, laid on the ground crying 😒 but once we got her back into the game room it was all good. she sat at the table with all of the kids and ate nuggets, chips and then cake. it was so damn cute seeing her with all the other kids. 😭 

my tattoo appt was canceled cuz Paige didn't feel well so its rescheduled for this coming Sunday. my hair appt is Friday. I might have her cut an inch and a half off since my hair is still in the telogen effluvium phase 😔 it's still coming out. its so sad cuz its like half gone. to me it's so bad but looking at it from other's pov it looks fine. 😔 still. I looked it up and it says by May I should see it returning. so getting my hair done Fri and gonna do the pink and purple split dye ☆

breaking emotionally

I'm struggling, for real. I keep trying and trying to figure out a way to deal and fix but im struggling. I might need real, professional help. I thought I was okay but im not. his mom is draining me. mentally and emotionally. they say living with a narcissist is impossible and it's true. she sucks my energy from me like a black hole. when I walk into the house, it feels so heavily toxic. her voice is grating and puts me in such a hateful space. it's all a trauma response because my intuition senses danger. she's an emotional danger to my mental health and especially my daughter's emotional development.  my daughter is so young and smart, she grabs everything people say and do.  his mom is trying to take my daughter from me emotionally. she wants to be the center of her attention because my daughter is the only one that gives her need for admiration and validation. she's trying to claim my baby by being the favorite one. it's so hard watching and I just don't know how to stop it. you can't change a narcissist but can try things to work around someone like that if youre like me and stuck in that situation. but it's so hard when you're a sensitive person. 

last night my daughter said something and mommy in the same sentence so his mom rewrote her words in her own twisted mind. "grandMOMMY yes. I am your grandMOMMY". it sickened me. saddened me and hurt my soul. she is trying to take so much from me involving my daughter. she put her on the potty and tried helping her potty train  before me and her dad even formulated a plan. without permission. then set up a height chart to measure my daughter monthly. I painted the doors so I could do that in her room. she took that from me. now she's trying to get her to use the word grandmommy instead of just plain ole grandma. she's taking my child from me in an emotional sense. she manipulates my daughter with bullshit that my baby can't understand cuz shes 2. his mom uses guilt and shame on my daughter when she acts like a regular 2 year old. she said dangerous shit to my baby that is way overboard to talk to a baby about. telling a 2 year old she's listening to a story about selling little girls. what the fuck. this demon is in some form of competition with me. no one gives her the validation she craves. but my daughter does because doesn't know any better beyond liking someone. it's downright evil. its sick. all for her narcissistic supply. she's toxic to be around my baby. we have to monitor her now because she's weird. I'm trapped. I live there and I can't leave unless I leave my boyfriend. I feel like a failure for not having confidence to really tell that bitch off. arguing with my boyfriend over this nearly every night. I'm struggling man, I am. 

I broke down last night. I cried. I told bf all of this and he got frustrated. he's stressed. I get it. but he's gotta realize his mom is not a good person, period. his family (me and our baby girl) is what's important. he feels unloved by me and I tried to explain I'm just so emotionally traumatized by this demon that I haven't been myself because I am unhappy. then when we were working together everything went great for a few days. my mom noticed a change in me. but it's back to me feeling alone again. he says he's on my side but then sprinkles in shit like "why can't you just build a wall and block her out"  I can't bc shes a danger to my child's emotional development and she is continuously overstepping major boundaries. I've sense toxicity even before my baby was born. it just got severely worse since. she believes she has entitlement to my child. so he grew up with this demon and therefore learned coping mechanisms. so he doesn't get it. he doesn't get how special motherhood is either and how important  many of these milestones are for me to do with MY child. his mom is taking them from me to be the center of my child's life. it's weird. the obsession this woman has with my daughter because she craves attention and validation so badly is creepy as fuck. 

I told him if I leave, he can look to his mom to blame. he didn't like hearing it but I'm struggling to that point. he told me that I'm letting her win. I clapped and said "yay, she won. she fucking won okay. I'm miserable. I'm sad and I'm so angry and have been since my daughter was born. setting foot in that house is draining me man. I just feel tired. 

Valentine's Day

went to get Mexican food for lunch & by time we were all done. my toddler decided to start climbing under the table so we were trying to hurry and get tthr check. they brought us out 2 more margaritas. I think they thought I said yes to another round but I didn't I just asked if we could get 2 to go boxes lol. so baby girl was climbing under the table and trying to escape lol. we had to take a few sips and leave it cause we only wanted 1 each anyway. 

took baby girl to the park and she ran all around and didn't listen. so it turned frustrating more than fun but its okay. 

appts.

so tried to have a dr appt made a bit early for my yearly check up since I got a letter from them saying they'll no longer accept my insurance. sooo I wanted to make an early appt. they didn't have anything available before March 1st. sucks. I liked that girl I went to last time (Pierce The Veil fan) but its okay. I guess I'll find a new place to go to. 

I have a tattoo appt next weekend and I'm getting a little clown cat on the other arm. symmetry is my thing so I am gonna get one on the other side across from the jester kuromi is :0) 

hair appt the following weekend. since I got a full highlight last time, I think i just need a mini partial. I am also contemplating doing half pink half purple hair. my sister told me that purple is easy to get out cuz its like purple shampoo/toner for blondes. so it will fade back to blonde easier than other colors. I might try it next. I wish I could do pink and blue (Harley) but blue is such a bitch to get out and it always turns such an ugly green when it fades. so can't do that. 

so im starting to get settled into the new blog. so many memories on my old one from years but safety comes first now. its fine I can make new memories here ❤️ 

Paranormal Circus

so last minute we decided to go to the Paranormal Circus and it was sooo cool. they had a haunted house that you first have to walk thru to get to the seats and the scare actors in there actually touch you. one felt up the back of my hair it was so creepy. one grabbed my sister's leg. then this one chased us with a chainsaw 😭 turns out, all of the actors in the haunted house area were the actual performers. it was so fucking dope. they had one girl swinging underneath a motorcycle on a tight rope, sword and fire swallowing. funniest part though was the dominatrix girls picking someone from the crowd. they picked somebody's grandpa. they made this old man get on the ground and walk around on all fours before strapping him to wooden boards and they were rubbing all over him. then they put a bag over his head while the little guy rubbed his leg and pinched his ass. he thought it was the chick's im sure lmao it was so funny. then out popped a dildo to signify excitement. it was too funny. then they dragged him off and they had a screaming track to make it sound like he was being killed. 

started out with a kid sleeping in a bed and his mom checking his wardrobe to make sure no monsters were in there. it was so fun. they also walked around the audience. one women tried to take the kids lantern and he flipped her off in her face I died. 

2026

new life chapters.