depression

having a rough time mentally again. my baby is being really tough to deal with to when I feel so depressed and angry every day. still dealing with bipolar disorder I guess but when it comes down to it, living in this house triggers my bipolar depression. I think it's safe to say we all know who is the cause of this too. I feel like it's so hard to want to do things every day. it's hard to want to play with my daughter. I find myself disassociating the majority of my days. like I stay thinking about nostolgia. I take half an edible every night to sleep and before bed I'm scrolling through looking at nostolgia. old commercials and vibes that remind me of my dreams. I am so unhappy in my present life right now that I keep trying to escape in my mind. that's not okay, especially with a toddler who needs me. I find myself losing my temper every day and snapping at her. it makes me feel like shit at the end of the day. I dont want to be a stressed out depressed and angry mom. I want to be a fun mom. but it's hard to be when I feel like hiding away. I dont want anti psychotics or mood stabilizers because I've never taken one that didn't have side effects like weight gain or hair loss. they all do shit to my body I don't like. idk what to do.

rewind to the past 2 days my daughter was taken to the store. we took her to shop for clothes for her (my mom and i). babygirl decided she no longer wants to sit in shopping carts. so I told her to stay near us. she did not listen for very long. she was in other isles, in the way of others & not coming with us to the next isle so I had no choice but to force her to sit in a cart. didn't go well so she started screaming in the store. it was so embarrassing because I have bad social anxiety. everyone was looking at me and I barely had a grip on her. had to walk all thru the store and into the parking lot with her screaming and slippingthrough my arms. 

day 2. wouldn't sit in the cart again. oh and we had some old motherfucker parked next to us with his window down just staring at us. I told bf right away to get babygirl out of the cartseat cuz I didn't want to stand next to that creepy gawker. so we fight our daughter about shopping carts while this old fuck stares at us out his window. so I stare him down and he looks away. so we give up and tell babygirl she has to walk with us and hold hands. it worked for a few mins. then she was taking off again and screaming every time I tried to guide her back or pick her up. so we barely make it to the check out and she takes off out the store doors. I chased her down and she was on her way to the street. I was sooo pissed. so I forcibly have to pick her up again and carry her to the car, screaming. so I am no longer taking her to stores. i can't handle that stress. the stress of people staring, losing her or not being able to shop properly. that scared me because if any of us were to ever look away for one second, she'd be gone. its scares the hell out of me.

so rewind further and she was great when we went to a downtown Saint Patrick's Day event.  she actually held my hand til we got to the point of her wanting to sit in the stroller. she did keep bothering these women at Pierced Cider by going up to them constantly and telling them things lol. she's super outgoing to certain people. also kind of concerning because we dont want her talking to strangers. but it's good that she's not afraid and is outgoing. she also no longer cries when Paulseidon is around lol. she used to cry constantly when she saw him. now they're cool  😎  so I am dealing with depression and the terrible twos. 😞 

on a better note, we watched Frankenstein finally. it was very emotional.