still here

still here. still dealing. trying daily.

so moving on... took baby to the waterpark. she hasn't been since she was 1. so we took her again after getting her a bathing suit at Target. she had a blast there. then the next day, we took baby girl to our friends' kid's 5th birthday party at the bowling alley. obviously she was too young to participate so we mostly sat in the game area. she was good until she ran around by the lanes where people were having their games. she threw a fit, laid on the ground crying 😒 but once we got her back into the game room it was all good. she sat at the table with all of the kids and ate nuggets, chips and then cake. it was so damn cute seeing her with all the other kids. 😭 

my tattoo appt was canceled cuz Paige didn't feel well so its rescheduled for this coming Sunday. my hair appt is Friday. I might have her cut an inch and a half off since my hair is still in the telogen effluvium phase 😔 it's still coming out. its so sad cuz its like half gone. to me it's so bad but looking at it from other's pov it looks fine. 😔 still. I looked it up and it says by May I should see it returning. so getting my hair done Fri and gonna do the pink and purple split dye ☆

breaking emotionally

I'm struggling, for real. I keep trying and trying to figure out a way to deal and fix but im struggling. I might need real, professional help. I thought I was okay but im not. his mom is draining me. mentally and emotionally. they say living with a narcissist is impossible and it's true. she sucks my energy from me like a black hole. when I walk into the house, it feels so heavily toxic. her voice is grating and puts me in such a hateful space. it's all a trauma response because my intuition senses danger. she's an emotional danger to my mental health and especially my daughter's emotional development.  my daughter is so young and smart, she grabs everything people say and do.  his mom is trying to take my daughter from me emotionally. she wants to be the center of her attention because my daughter is the only one that gives her need for admiration and validation. she's trying to claim my baby by being the favorite one. it's so hard watching and I just don't know how to stop it. you can't change a narcissist but can try things to work around someone like that if youre like me and stuck in that situation. but it's so hard when you're a sensitive person. 

last night my daughter said something and mommy in the same sentence so his mom rewrote her words in her own twisted mind. "grandMOMMY yes. I am your grandMOMMY". it sickened me. saddened me and hurt my soul. she is trying to take so much from me involving my daughter. she put her on the potty and tried helping her potty train  before me and her dad even formulated a plan. without permission. then set up a height chart to measure my daughter monthly. I painted the doors so I could do that in her room. she took that from me. now she's trying to get her to use the word grandmommy instead of just plain ole grandma. she's taking my child from me in an emotional sense. she manipulates my daughter with bullshit that my baby can't understand cuz shes 2. his mom uses guilt and shame on my daughter when she acts like a regular 2 year old. she said dangerous shit to my baby that is way overboard to talk to a baby about. telling a 2 year old she's listening to a story about selling little girls. what the fuck. this demon is in some form of competition with me. no one gives her the validation she craves. but my daughter does because doesn't know any better beyond liking someone. it's downright evil. its sick. all for her narcissistic supply. she's toxic to be around my baby. we have to monitor her now because she's weird. I'm trapped. I live there and I can't leave unless I leave my boyfriend. I feel like a failure for not having confidence to really tell that bitch off. arguing with my boyfriend over this nearly every night. I'm struggling man, I am. 

I broke down last night. I cried. I told bf all of this and he got frustrated. he's stressed. I get it. but he's gotta realize his mom is not a good person, period. his family (me and our baby girl) is what's important. he feels unloved by me and I tried to explain I'm just so emotionally traumatized by this demon that I haven't been myself because I am unhappy. then when we were working together everything went great for a few days. my mom noticed a change in me. but it's back to me feeling alone again. he says he's on my side but then sprinkles in shit like "why can't you just build a wall and block her out"  I can't bc shes a danger to my child's emotional development and she is continuously overstepping major boundaries. I've sense toxicity even before my baby was born. it just got severely worse since. she believes she has entitlement to my child. so he grew up with this demon and therefore learned coping mechanisms. so he doesn't get it. he doesn't get how special motherhood is either and how important  many of these milestones are for me to do with MY child. his mom is taking them from me to be the center of my child's life. it's weird. the obsession this woman has with my daughter because she craves attention and validation so badly is creepy as fuck. 

I told him if I leave, he can look to his mom to blame. he didn't like hearing it but I'm struggling to that point. he told me that I'm letting her win. I clapped and said "yay, she won. she fucking won okay. I'm miserable. I'm sad and I'm so angry and have been since my daughter was born. setting foot in that house is draining me man. I just feel tired. 

Valentine's Day

went to get Mexican food for lunch & by time we were all done. my toddler decided to start climbing under the table so we were trying to hurry and get tthr check. they brought us out 2 more margaritas. I think they thought I said yes to another round but I didn't I just asked if we could get 2 to go boxes lol. so baby girl was climbing under the table and trying to escape lol. we had to take a few sips and leave it cause we only wanted 1 each anyway. 

took baby girl to the park and she ran all around and didn't listen. so it turned frustrating more than fun but its okay. 

appts.

so tried to have a dr appt made a bit early for my yearly check up since I got a letter from them saying they'll no longer accept my insurance. sooo I wanted to make an early appt. they didn't have anything available before March 1st. sucks. I liked that girl I went to last time (Pierce The Veil fan) but its okay. I guess I'll find a new place to go to. 

I have a tattoo appt next weekend and I'm getting a little clown cat on the other arm. symmetry is my thing so I am gonna get one on the other side across from the jester kuromi is :0) 

hair appt the following weekend. since I got a full highlight last time, I think i just need a mini partial. I am also contemplating doing half pink half purple hair. my sister told me that purple is easy to get out cuz its like purple shampoo/toner for blondes. so it will fade back to blonde easier than other colors. I might try it next. I wish I could do pink and blue (Harley) but blue is such a bitch to get out and it always turns such an ugly green when it fades. so can't do that. 

so im starting to get settled into the new blog. so many memories on my old one from years but safety comes first now. its fine I can make new memories here ❤️ 

Paranormal Circus

so last minute we decided to go to the Paranormal Circus and it was sooo cool. they had a haunted house that you first have to walk thru to get to the seats and the scare actors in there actually touch you. one felt up the back of my hair it was so creepy. one grabbed my sister's leg. then this one chased us with a chainsaw 😭 turns out, all of the actors in the haunted house area were the actual performers. it was so fucking dope. they had one girl swinging underneath a motorcycle on a tight rope, sword and fire swallowing. funniest part though was the dominatrix girls picking someone from the crowd. they picked somebody's grandpa. they made this old man get on the ground and walk around on all fours before strapping him to wooden boards and they were rubbing all over him. then they put a bag over his head while the little guy rubbed his leg and pinched his ass. he thought it was the chick's im sure lmao it was so funny. then out popped a dildo to signify excitement. it was too funny. then they dragged him off and they had a screaming track to make it sound like he was being killed. 

started out with a kid sleeping in a bed and his mom checking his wardrobe to make sure no monsters were in there. it was so fun. they also walked around the audience. one women tried to take the kids lantern and he flipped her off in her face I died. 

2026

new life chapters.